So your relationship with your ex has broken down, right? But you’re now reflecting on your time together and it’s got you thinking, “Man I’ve realized I still love my ex so much! I just need to know what do I do from here to regain her interest because I definitely still have feelings for her.”
Am I on the right track with that? If so keep reading, because in this article we’re going to get you organized in terms of what your next move should be if you still love your ex.
Still love her? Taking a step back is what to do when you miss your ex
As you’re here reading this article, I can safely assume that you’re HIGHLY emotionally charged right now. This whole breakup scenario and your longing to have your ex back has seen to that.
That’s why the first thing I need you to do so that we can get the BEST outcome for your situation, is to just take a step back and understand that your judgement is clouded when you’re so emotional like this.
In other words, I need you to calm down first and let your emotions drop back to something like their normal levels, before you decide whether you want your ex back (or not). Common sense says this is what to do when you miss your ex.
WHY take some time to let your feelings return to baseline levels? Two reasons:
1. Because good decisions in life are made on a solid LOGICAL basis, NOT an emotional basis. Right now your raw emotions are calling the shots and overriding logic.
In fact, logic probably hasn’t even had its’ chance to have a say on how you should proceed yet, so we need to just wait until you’re calm and collected enough to think this whole thing through without your feelings bossing everything.
Essentially, I don’t believe that at this moment in time, you are in the right headspace to be deciding what you want. I don’t think you’re yet able to make the right call, especially if you just googled something like, “I still love my ex” or “I still have feelings for my ex”.
Once you’re back near your ‘default’ feelings and state of mind, go ahead and proceed with the next section below, as we calculate (for real) whether you want your ex back or not.
2. Because we do stupid, desperate shit when we’re this emotional… The kinda shit that would make your ex EVEN MORE determined that she doesn’t want you back. 99% of the guys I deal with in these breakup situations (my clients) do the same desperate stuff before they find me, and while it can be recovered from, it’s still better if you don’t do it. We’ll talk about what NOT to do after a breakup later in this article.
For now, just wait til you’re in the right frame of mind (calm) before going any further, because when you’re so emotional, missing your ex-girlfriend like this, I GUARANTEE any other action that you take, will worsen your standing with her.
When you want your ex back, get your head right (that’s your task right now) and THEN proceed on through the rest of this article. If that means you need a few days before you proceed, so be it. Because if you wait like I’m asking you to, you’ll then be in a better position to get her back (if that’s what you ultimately decide you want). Rushed action WILL cause a setback I can promise you, I’ve seen it time and again.
I still have feelings for my ex.
SHOULD I still have feelings for her?
Now that you’re calmer and more able to think about this whole ex situation logically, let’s consider whether you even should want her back. This is the part where I write headlines of the different reasons that breakups happen, and you look over them until you find the one that is relevant to your situation. Then when you find it, we will discuss it fully.
Let’s do this:
Situation 1 – Your ex lost her attraction to you and she broke it off
Women end a lot more relationships than men do, and lost attraction is usually the reason why. Now, you may or may not immediately know or recognize that lost attraction (from her end) is the root cause of your breakup. That’s why the first thing I gotta do here is tell you what the signs of lost attraction are, so that you can clearly recognize it, if it is indeed the problem.
Here’s how we can know. Answer these questions and if you provide “yes” answers to any of them, then clear as day, it’s lost attraction.
Towards the end of your relationship (or throughout):
– Were YOU putting in more effort in the relationship than she was? That’s via you putting in a lot more time, money, gifts, or energy?
A woman NEEDS a man who she believes has a higher Dating Market Value (DMV) than she does. If she comes to believe he’s lower value than her, then there’ll come a day where she gets that stony, dead look in her eye and says she wants space, a break, to find herself or some other such bullshit.
When you (as the man) put in noticeably more effort than her in the relationship, she’ll consequently believe that she holds a higher DMV than you. This is “the law of least effort” at play…the one who puts in LESS work in the relationship is perceived as the higher value of the two.
And since she’s programmed evolutionarily to find the highest value mate she can, sooner or later she’s going to feel like she has to break up with any guy who puts in a lot more effort than she does. That’s because the guy’s higher effort levels communicate to her that his value is lower than hers.
High effort levels (higher than hers) also convey insecurity to a girlfriend. It’s as if you’re saying, “I don’t think I’m good enough for you, so to compensate and make up for that, I’m putting in more effort than you, and hoping that will be enough”.
That’s how your girlfriend reads the situation when you make a lot more effort than she does. It comes across to her as insecurity, and of course, insecurity is unattractive and is a sign of low DMV.
Funnily enough, on paper your DMV is probably at least AS HIGH as hers. The problem is that women judge a man’s DMV based on how high HE thinks it is. That’s why you can see total deadbeats with hotties. These fools are overconfident, and however irrational their overconfidence is, chicks still love that overconfidence.
So anyway, when you make more effort than your girlfriend or wife, she thinks you’re trying to compensate for lower relative DMV. And once she knows that you see your DMV as lower than hers, it’s the beginning of the end.
But you may be wondering, what counts as higher effort in a relationship?
Here’s some examples:
– You nearly always drive to see her instead of vice versa.
– You mostly initiate the texting or calling.
– You do housework more than she does.
– You buy more (and more expensive) gifts for her than vice versa…
You get the picture.
– Did you allow your ex to make a lot of decisions in the relationship and generally lead the way?
Masculinity and femininity are polar opposites and thus they attract, big time. Leadership and making decisions are, according to mother nature (as shown by thousands of years of human history) MASCULINE qualities.
That means that if you were letting your girlfriend run the show and tell you what to do, she was in the dominant, masculine role, and you, following her decisions, were in the submissive, feminine role. This is contradictory to what nature intended, and it seems you’ve paid the price for that with her losing her attraction for you.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing but you needed to grab the bull by the horns and LEAD her in the relationship. That would’ve put you in the dominant, masculine role and her in the submissive, feminine role. This would work in alignment with what nature intended and that way attraction wouldn’t get lost. Had you done that, she wouldn’t have broken up with you.
To a woman, if her partner shows her that he values their relationship higher than she does, it’s a sign that her DMV is higher than his. Because otherwise…why would there be this discrepancy whereby YOU value the relationship so much more than she does?
That’s how her subconscious processes it.
So if, looking back, you put your girlfriend above everything else in your life, and moved mountains to make sure she was always happy, then she’ll have gone through the above process…she’ll have noticed that the relationship meant more to you than it did to her, and she’ll have then realized that her DMV eclipses yours, and thus she’ll have lost attraction for you.
At that point a breakup was just a case of when rather than if.
– Did you say nice things to her (about her) a lot?
Regular compliments come across as an attempt to seek approval and compensate for (you) having lower relative DMV than the girl you’re complimenting. Because the way she sees it, if you were high enough value for her, why would you feel the need to be SO nice to her?
You wouldn’t, which is why saying nice things always leads to the woman believing that your DMV is lower than hers. She can’t feel attraction for a man of lower perceived Dating Market Value. If anything, women date up, not down.
If you answered “yes” to any of the above, then lost attraction is the cause of this breakup.
SHOULD you want your ex back if this is your situation?
Lost attraction is something that can sometimes be fixed and regained. There are other causes of breakups that can make a new relationship with an ex nonviable, but this ain’t always one of them.
Situation 2 – You failed to show enough interest in both your ex and in the relationship
The guy in the lost attraction situation above, showed too much interest. The thing is, it’s also possible to show NOT ENOUGH interest and end up in a breakup because of that instead. There’s a happy medium, but the situation above and this situation right here fall either side of it.
When a guy fails to put enough effort in, or doesn’t allow the relationship to develop and become more serious at something like the speed that his girlfriend wants it to, she may possibly dump him. This is a case where the guy avoided the lost attraction pitfalls above, and maintained strong attraction, but STILL nonetheless got dumped – for LACK of either interest or relationship progress.
Because the purpose of male-female relationships is procreation. Babies. And if your ex couldn’t feel your relationship with her slowly and steadily pushing in the direction of that goal (a goal which is wired into her), then she’d have felt the need to stop and find another man who WOULD help her fulfill that primitive, genetic goal.
Because guess what, she has a ticking clock, and will only be fertile for so long… Which means that if she realizes a guy is wasting her time and not slowly moving things forward towards procreation, then she’ll have to get rid. Her biological, genetic imperative overrides the fact that she likes you and is attracted to you. This makes total sense when you consider the potential cost to her of staying with a guy who won’t give her a child – if we stop reproducing, we die out.
So that’s why a girl can truly love you but still break up with you – because her very nature ensures that she wants to reproduce MORE THAN she wants to be with any one particular man…the urge to reproduce is stronger than the urge to stay with someone she loves. And if it seems to her that you and her are not on course to reproduce at some point, this is when she may think, “I still have feelings for him but it’s not going anywhere, so I have to let him go.”
Typical signs that you didn’t give enough interest or relationship progress to your ex are:
– Refusing exclusivity (i.e. refusing to stop seeing other women).
– Going days and days without returning her messages or calls.
– Regularly cancelling on her.
– Not moving in together soon enough.
– Not agreeing to marriage years into the relationship.
If you failed to show enough interest, should you want your ex-lover back?
In this type of case, you should only want your ex back and work towards that goal, if you are now sure that, whatever it was that you wouldn’t let her have from you before, you are now ready to give her that. Otherwise, no you shouldn’t want her back or put any more thought into it.
So if it had been more than a year and there was no talk of moving in together, or if you refused to stop dating other people for her after a few months of seeing her, then you’d need to be ready to do these things in the near future, for it to be worth continuing to want her back and trying to make that happen.
Getting a woman back under those breakup circumstances (where you didn’t show enough interest) should be as straightforward as doing what I wrote about in this article. UNLESS, that is, you’ve already tried to reason with her, beg or otherwise tempt her back already. In that case, you may, in those acts of desperation, have damaged the attraction too.
Situation 3 – She cheated on you and it caused this break up
The cheating is a (painful for you) symptom of the problem. A woman who’s still firmly attracted to her boyfriend doesn’t cheat on him. So this is an attraction issue, and if you want her back, I wrote a how to get your ex girlfriend back article that will help with that.
“Should I desire my ex back if she cheated on me?”
SHOULD you want her back if she’s cheated? I wrote a separate article on this topic, but the short answer is: it depends. See that article for situation-specific clarification, if you still love your ex.
Situation 4 – YOU ended the relationship
The average guy believes that breaking a girl’s heart and causing her all the emotional pain that comes along with that would stop her from wanting or taking him back.
The truth is, it usually doesn’t play out that way. A woman will often love a man who broke up with her LONG after they separate.
Because remember, if you were willing to break up with her, that indicates to her that you have options in the dating market that are at least as high in DMV as she is…otherwise you wouldn’t have broken up with her. By breaking up with her, you’re essentially showing her that you are preselected, which boosts your DMV in her mind. So it’s not like dumping her kills the attraction…if anything, it increases it!
What that means, is that if you were the one to break it off, then you’re holding a little bit more power in terms of getting her back, than you would’ve held if she had been the one to end it herself. Because the fact is, she never chose to end the relationship, so therefore she may, beneath her hurt feelings and bruised ego, still want you.
Should you want back a girl that you dumped?
To answer that, I must ask WHY did you end the relationship?
Whatever the reason was, can you see that reason going away and no longer being an issue, ‘next time’?
If you can, then yeah sure it’s okay if you want her back. But if whatever it was that was problematic enough for you to end it before, would still be there upon getting back together, and you CAN’T see a way to fix that, then no, you shouldn’t want her back (or at least you shouldn’t TAKE her back).
To get a girl back who YOU broke up with, it shouldn’t be that hard. Unless, that is, you already fucked up by trying to persuade, beg or plead with her to get back with you. If you’ve done that, then you’ve compromised the attraction and will need other get your girlfriend back instructions to recover from that fuck up.
Situation 5 – Yours and your ex’s desires for the future were different
If you’re pretty sure that your ex intends to stay in the ‘life situation’ that she was already in when you met and got together with her, then yes wanting her back is fine.
But there are situations where a couple that seem to be soulmates (based on how well they get along) don’t end up working out. The attraction’s there, and their interest level in each other is well balanced…the problem is that they want different things out of life. For example she wants kids soon and he doesn’t. Or she wants to travel for a year and he’s got a full-time job that he’s happy with.
Different desires for the future like in those 2 examples above can mean the end of the line for an otherwise very happy and healthy relationship.
Should you want a girl back who desires something different from the future than what you desire?
You’ll either have to get her so hooked on the relationship that she cancels her plans, thus risking this difference in desires potentially becoming a problem again in the future, OR walk way.
In my opinion, if you’ve already broken up and your desires for the future are different than your ex’s, it’s better to walk away and get over her instead.
BUT if she’s on quite a steady pathway with no dramatic changes coming up in her life, then wanting her back and making an effort to that end, is worth proceeding with. Your next step for that is to do my chances of getting your ex back quiz. Then I’ll advise you further once you have your quiz results.
Situation 6 – There’s a long distance issue
If the reason for the breakup was geographic distance, then whether or not you should want your ex back depends on your (or your ex’s) willingness to do something about that distance. Because clearly it’s a problem (it caused the breakup), so getting back together probably wouldn’t work out unless there’s a plan in the works that would have you living closer together fairly soon.
So the question is, if you still like your ex, how willing are you to move closer to her?
Very willing? Then you’ll just need a plan to relocate that won’t make it seem to her like she’s the number 1 priority in your life (we discussed why that’s bad above).
What you could do is, look for jobs near where she lives, apply for them, and if you get a job offer, tell her the company approached you (rather than the truth that you approached them). That way you solve the distance problem without the attraction falling (it would fall from you moving cross country just for her, thus confirming that you value the relationship more than she does, and also from you putting in tons more effort than she does).
But what if you’re not so willing to move?
In that case you may want to forget your desire to have this girl back and focus instead on moving on, even if you still think about her a lot.
Because consider this – you could commit to travelling more often to visit her, but you’d then need her to match or surpass your effort levels, to prevent an attraction-killing dynamic of you valuing the relationship much higher than she does, and putting in more effort than she does.
Is she going to match your effort levels, having broken up with you? It’s unlikely, but hey, stranger things have happened. Maybe you could start out doing more of the travelling yourself, and as my ex-girlfriend back steps work their magic and her interest level increases, you could then convince her to start taking on some of the travelling. It’s still a long shot though because it requires you to put in a ton of effort (all the travelling) in the beginning, which like I said, is bad news for attraction.
Still want your ex back? My questions didn’t deter you? Good, let’s proceed!
Okay so you’ve got this far. Clearly you really do want this girl back, and it may be for the best that you have her back. So now we must discuss the HOW of getting her back.
I wrote a separate get your girlfriend back guide for this, but since you’ve found your way to THIS page which has the title, “I still love my ex girlfriend”, you’re clearly still feeling pretty desperate about getting this ex back. That means you’re in danger of making key mistakes that almost all men make after a breakup…mistakes that would compromise your chances of getting her back.
That’s why I decided that for the rest of THIS article, it would be best if we discuss what NOT to do after a break up (which most guys DO do). Because when you’re feeling desperate, and thinking things like, “I miss my ex girlfriend so much it hurts”, which I believe you are right now, THAT is the first priority – preventing you from fucking up. That has to come first because if I instead taught you what TO do first, you’d sabotage any progress we could make from not yet knowing what to AVOID doing.
To be clear, first we must prevent you from making mistakes which would worsen your situation. We do this by teaching you what NOT to do after a breakup. Then after that, we can get you up to speed on what TO do to get your ex back. This way you won’t undermine the actual steps that DO work to get a girl back, with impulsive steps that don’t work.
What NOT to do after a break up when you still love and want back your ex
In these breakup situations, there’s a lot of power in avoiding the key mistakes that most guys make…mistakes which just serve to worsen the situation. When you avoid these mistakes, you’re essentially ‘getting out of your own way’ and thereby enabling your ex’s underlying feelings for you to come to the surface.
Simply by avoiding the following actions, your chances of getting your girlfriend back will increase a lot.
NOTE: In most cases, avoiding these key mistakes alone won’t be enough to actually win a girl back. Regardless though, this is a big part of the ex-girlfriend recovery process. So without further ado, here’s what you’ve got to AVOID doing after a breakup, to prevent yourself from sabotaging the steps that DO work to get an ex back.
– Trying to persuade (or beg) your ex to take you back
In the time soon after a breakup, a girl is completely and utterly SURE that she doesn’t want to be with you. She may say things that will make you think, “damn, she’s not kidding, she really means this and I can see clear as day that it’s forever.”
She’ll say stuff that will make you think that it really, really is done for good. BUT.
I’ve seen time and again where a guy emails me saying, “I love my ex but she said this and this, it’s really over man.” Then a few weeks later he emails me again saying they’re back together and he can’t thank me enough.
WHY is there patterns like this in the emails I receive?
It’s because women’s FEELINGS change and fluctuate in ways that we men just can’t imagine. Their feelings are super volatile, and crucially to my point here, women use their feelings to decide what their actions will be.
That means that your ex could say, “I never want to see you again”, and of course it leaves you thinking you really won’t see her again. And in that moment she really meant it too, but a week later WHEN HER FEELINGS HAVE CHANGED, things could be VERY different and she could be missing you and wanting to see you.
The fact that a week ago she said she hates your guts and never wants to see you again? Doesn’t matter because how she feels in the moment overrides words she previously said… How she feels in the moment overrides how she felt when she said those words.
But back to the here and now. Shortly after a breakup, your ex’s feelings are telling her it’s over with you, and honestly in that moment, there’s nothing you can say that will change her mind. You’ve got to WAIT for her feelings to change again, which is why step 1 of re-attracting an ex is to use the no contact rule… You just need to wait a little for those emotions of hers to alter in your favor, before any of the other steps from the ex back process, can work.
So that’s the first reason why you shouldn’t try to persuade your ex that she’s making a big mistake and that you should stay together – there’s just no way that anything you try (other than no contact) is going to help so soon after breaking up.
However, there’s an even more important reason why you shouldn’t try to convince your ex to take you back. It’s not just that you’d be wasting your energy doing it, it’s that actually, you’d be actively ruining your chances of being able to get her back. Let me explain.
When you reason with a girl about how you guys should stay together, you are unwittingly setting up a dynamic (in her mind) in which you are pursuing and chasing her.
Now, like all women do, she understands (probably subconsciously) that men who chase and pursue her have a lower Dating Market Value (DMV) than she does. Because, why would a guy with higher DMV than her, need to chase her? He wouldn’t – she knows she’d have to chase HIM to beat out the female competition. And remember, a woman wants – NEEDS, a guy with a DMV that is at least as high as hers, maybe even a little higher.
So the point here is, your attempts to talk and persuade your ex back are communicating to her that your DMV is lower than hers, thus ensuring that she doesn’t come back. Those attempts are also communicating your desperation to her, which shows her that you don’t have any other options on her level in the dating market. This further communicates LDMV (Low Dating Market Value).
Instead, what you need to do is be smart about this and tempt her back to you with high DMV bait. You need to showcase that you’re a high value man. This way she finds herself wanting you back without any need for you to convince her of it! She decides it on her own.
All you have to do is smartly reel out HDMV bait. That is the only way getting a girl back can work.
– Blowing up your ex’s phone with calls and texts, telling her you’re still in love with her
Blowing up your ex’s phone (instead of doing no contact) is a big mistake. When there’s been a breakup, no contact is ALWAYS needed, to get rid of the staleness that is compromising her ability to want you again.
When you blow her phone up, especially to excess, like when you leave 20 missed calls or 10 unanswered texts, it just makes the hole you’re in even deeper, because it conveys massive desperation.
Like I said above, desperation shows your ex that you’re devoid of other options in the dating market, which puts your DMV lower than hers in her mind. This way she couldn’t feel the desire to have you back, even if she wanted to.
But how do you know if you’re doing too much texting or calling?
If you are texting or calling her MORE OFTEN than she is to you, that’s how you know you’re trying to communicate with her too much. Because, if you’re reaching out more than she is, you’re essentially putting in more effort. She then feels A. chased and B. like she means more to you than you do to her. These things communicate low DMV which weakens your chances of getting her back.
– Sending her gifts
Look, when you want your ex back, mailing her flowers isn’t gonna cut it. In fact it’ll make things worse. We talked about this earlier in the article, but as it’s so important, I’ll say it again:
If you’re sending a girl gifts (especially after a breakup), she’s going to process that as follows: “He’s using gifts to try to compensate and make up for the fact that his Dating Market Value is lower than mine. It’s like he doesn’t feel like he, without gifts, is enough for me. And if he doesn’t think he’s enough for me, then I sure as hell don’t either”.
That’s how her mind, in some capacity, processes gifts, compliments and other ‘nice’ shit. It’s why nice guys finish last. A guy being too nice is interpreted by women as an attempt by him to make up for his own lack of value. In other words, it’s a sign of insecurity, thus making it a big turn off/indicator of low Dating Market Value.
So now you know why those flowers you sent to your ex (or to some other girl in the past) never got you anywhere.
SIDE NOTE: Whether I end up helping you get this girl back or not, the way I see it, at least you’ll have learnt a few gems from me about how attraction works (and doesn’t work), so that things go better for you in future relationships. That’s why I started this site, because I knew that while there’s no guarantees of an ex coming back (the chance can just be increased), there IS a guarantee that I can teach you as a fellow guy, some things that will help you astronomically with your dating life going forwards, whether we get you your ex back or not.
Anyway, to finish this section: a woman will perceive your DMV to be as high as YOU think it is. Women like to be led, and judging a man’s DMV is no different – she’ll let YOU be the judge of it, and believe about it whatever YOU believe.
So if you really think you’re a 9/10, you’ll soon start acting like it and women will believe you’re a 9 too. Whether your appearance and lifestyle justifies it or not, it doesn’t matter, so long as YOU believe it. This is why at times you’ve seen asshole deadbeats with hot chicks.
Crazy how it really works!
– Breaking down emotionally in front of your ex, showing you still have feelings for her
Women value power and strength in a man. They DESPISE signs of weakness.
With that in mind though, you and I are only human. After a separation, breaking down emotionally is inevitable.
Even so, we shouldn’t be breaking down in front of the ex, because women find men getting emotional to be a sign of weakness and thus very unattractive.
Letting out tears in front of your ex would (at best) extract sympathy from her. But I promise you, sympathy and being comforted by a girl are no route to attraction, nor are they a way in to convince her back.
Therefore, hold your emotions back and let them out elsewhere – either on your own or around anyone else EXCEPT your ex (and except any other girl you may want to date at some point).
I know the above comes across from me as kinda cold or harsh. I would have to say, I’m not the greatest at comforting people (better at advising them on how to get out of their predicament, whatever it may be). To that end, I’ll finish this section with this: If you’re still in love with your ex-girlfriend and want her back, keep your tears and emotions away from her.
– Talking to her friends or family
Your ex’s friends and family hold absolutely NO power over her attraction to you or lack thereof. Persuasion from them is no better than persuasion from you. In fact, if your ex knows that you’ve had words with her friends or family and asked them to help change her mind about you, the effect will be even worse, because going to the lengths of requesting their help shows a lot of desperation from you.
Her friends and family can’t help. Only YOU can help yourself in this situation to get your partner back.
I’ve seen cases where the friends and family ADORE the (ex) boyfriend and do their utmost to convince the girl to take him back, but to no avail. I’ve also seen other cases where a girl’s friends and family HATE her boyfriend and try their best to convince her to dump him, saying he’s a “wrong’un”, but she STILL stays with him. Why? One, because she loves him, and two because the friends and family created a forbidden fruit effect that made her want him even more!
And I tell you about those 2 types of cases to show just how powerless other people are in getting you back with your ex! All that can come from getting their ‘help’ is that you look desperate from it – that’s it. So it’s honestly best, for your chances of getting her back, if you leave other people UNinvolved.
Getting a girl back is all down to you and how much DMV you’re able to convey from here on out.
“Sam, I still love, think about and really want my ex girlfriend back!”
Okay, well, stopping those 5 actions above is half the battle and is your first priority
Just above are the most common steps men take after a breakup, in attempts (which always fail) to reverse the situation and save their relationship. If you can just avoid doing those things from now on, then you’re half way there.
The thing is, I imagine you’ve probably already made 1 or more of those 5 mistakes above. And with the way getting dumped hits a person emotionally, those mistakes are quite natural actions to take when you still love your ex, so I honestly don’t blame you. They are mistakes that I too have made in the past, and as painful as those experiences were, boy did I learn from them! I’m thankful for those experiences now, because you’re getting to benefit from my learning too!
But look, making those mistakes is not your fault, and they don’t mean that you can’t get your ex back either. They just mean that you’ve got a little more ground to cover than someone who hasn’t made any of those mistakes.
So assuming you’ve already made some of those 5 mistakes above, you’re going to need to go through a particular sequence of simple steps to UNDO the damage done and get this ex wanting you back. I am more than happy to show you what those get your ex back steps are.