Doing the no contact phase during a breakup is a lot more complicated than just saying, “don’t contact her”. There’s much more to it, such as “how many days should I do no contact for?” and, “is this even that effective?”
I receive these types of questions all the time. That’s why I’ve put this article together, to fill in the gaps and make double-sure that you know what you’re doing.
Now please bear in mind, I wrote a detailed guide on using the no contact rule already, so that article will show you how to actually use the rule for your personal situation.
THIS article, however, simply exists to fill in any remaining holes in the information provided in that main article, and to just clarify a few things.
Table of Contents
Alright, so let’s start this FAQ session off very simply:
“What is the no contact rule?”
The no contact rule is the general idea that at this time, when you’ve just separated from your ex, it will be PRODUCTIVE to cut contact with her, temporarily.
Now, when I say productive, I mean it in the sense that, whether you want to get your ex back, or if you just want to get over her, either way, cutting contact for the time being will help you to reach your chosen goal.
If you think about it, taking some time away from each other makes sense. After a very emotional breakup (they always are), both parties need some time to let their emotions get back to something like baseline level, so that they can then make good decisions about what they want going forward.
This is necessary because we tend to make bad decisions when we are in a highly emotional state, so it’s good to give ourselves the time to get our heads straight first, and then make a decision about what to do next based on a mix of solid logic and emotion…rather than just the raw emotion that we feel right after a breakup.
Even if you know you want your ex-girlfriend or wife back right after breaking up, it is STILL a good idea to just take some time to get your head right before you push on and try to make getting back together actually happen.
So, what is no contact? It’s the time away from your ex that you BOTH NEED, to either become able to want each other back, or to get over each other and move on. Whichever one of those 2 things is your goal, stopping the communication channels for a while (NC) will help.
“Is no contact good or bad?”
In almost all cases, no contact is good. It gives things some time to heal on their own, at a point when, in most situations, any other actions would just make things even worse due to the whole breakup being so fresh and emotionally charged.
The only situations when doing a no contact phase might be bad are when your situation is a very strong case of Category B, or a situation that fits into Category C. In those less common types of cases, refraining from communication may possibly make things worse.
Most breakup situations are Category A, though, and with Category A, doing no contact is usually the best way forward to begin with.
“Should I do a 30 day no contact rule?”
Some say that no contact with an ex for a month is the right amount of time. In my experience and in the experience of many of my clients, you don’t need that much time away. Often 1-2 weeks will suffice, and my recommendation from my main no contact guide fits within that time parameter.
30 days no contact gives your ex time to start missing you and to lose those feelings of missing you again too. She can come full circle in that time. That’s why one month of no contact is just a bit too long for a lot of situations. You can try it if you think you need longer than what I recommend, but no contact for a month is probably overkill. If you want to do it for a bit longer, do 3 weeks instead.
“I plan to do 60 days no contact, is that okay?”
Again, a 60 day no contact rule is going to be too long. Your ex has time to want you back and then get over you again in that amount of time. Basically, if you do no contact for 2 months, you miss your chance to have her back.
The only circumstance when no contact for 60 days might be okay, is when you’ve previously tried a shorter period of NC, gone through the other essential steps to getting a girl back, and it hasn’t worked yet.
In that case, a significantly extended period of no communication then becomes something that is worth considering. But when you haven’t yet attempted any of my tried-and-trusted tactics to get an ex-girlfriend back, 2 months for your first phase of NC will be way too long.
“I’ve heard that 90 days no contact can work, is that right?”
Just like with 2 months, 3 months no contact is overkill. Unless, that is, you’ve already tried multiple times to get her back (including doing NC), and it hasn’t worked. If you’ve already tried NC, each time that you try it again, you’ll need to hold a more extended period of silence between you.
So for example, the first time that you try to get her back, you run NC for 11 days. It doesn’t work, so next time you run NC for 3 weeks. That doesn’t work either so you then try 3 months NC…each time the NC gets progressively longer, which is how it should be.
I would only recommend 90 days no contact in situations where you’ve had 2 or more tries at getting her back already, using shorter (than 90 days) phases of no communication, and had no luck. Unless that’s the case, 90 days is going to be MUCH too long.
Hopefully this article has clarified a few things with regards to NC and staying away from your ex for a while. Hopefully you now have a clearer picture of what to do about your situation, going forwards.
Of course, there’s much more to it than just doing some time out of contact. NC alone is not going to get your ex-girlfriend to come back to you. You’ll need to demonstrate higher Dating Market Value as well, so that she can then see that you ARE, after all, the right man for her. My ex back program can guide you through what to do to make that happen.
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