So you made the decision to break up with your now ex-girlfriend, but after some reflection, you’re reconsidering and finding yourself thinking, “I broke up with my girlfriend but I’m feeling dumpers regret and now I changed my mind. How can I get her to change her mind too and get back with me?”
In this article I’m going to point you in the right direction in terms of how to get back with someone you broke up with. First though, just hold your horses for a minute.
Before we delve into resurrecting this relationship, first we need to check whether or not your decision to break up with your girlfriend was actually the correct call or not. Because there’s no point putting in the time and effort that it’ll take to get this girl back, if you actually don’t, in your heart of hearts, really want her back.
That said, if you are absolutely convinced already that having her back would be the right thing, and you want to fast-track the process of changing her mind so that she comes back, go ahead and take my chances of getting your ex-girlfriend back quiz. The results of that quiz will then show you what steps YOU need to take.
NOTE: If it was actually your ex that was the one who broke it off, that changes things and it means you’ll be better off reading my main how to get your ex-girlfriend back
“I broke up with my girlfriend but do I really want her back?”
This dumpers regret test will show us if you REALLY regret breaking up!
I need you to answer yes or no to the following questions. ‘Yes’ answers indicate that you really do want this woman back as your partner, while ‘no’ answers show that either it’s still uncertain, or that actually, you don’t truly want her back.
Taking this test is exactly what to do when you broke up with your girlfriend. Ok let’s start:
Has it been at least 5 days since you guys broke up?
In the days immediately after a breakup, you’re in so much emotional anguish, that there’s no chance you can truly know whether you really want this girl back or not.
We humans DON’T like change, so it’s natural that when we realize, “oh shit, I dumped my girlfriend and now I miss her!”, our instant conclusion is that actually we still want to be with her.
It’s called breakup regret or more commonly, “dumpers regret”, and it’s pretty normal if you just broke up with your girlfriend.
That doesn’t mean that you actually want her back (it’s too soon to know) – it just means that like any human, you’re resistant to change away from how things were. It’s important to consider though that you DID break up with her – there must be a reason why you did that!
So if it hasn’t even been 5 days since the breakup yet – a breakup that YOU initiated, then MAYBE you do want her back, and maybe you don’t – it’s just too early to say.
Wait until it’s been 5 days before you make a proper decision on it. After 5 days you’ll be more stable emotionally and thus in a better place to make the correct call on this.
And in any case, so soon after the breakup it will do you, your ex, and your chances of getting back together OR moving on, some good, to take some time out of contact too.
That is to say, that it’s win-win for everyone involved and every possible eventuality from here on out, if you just take some time to let your emotions slip back to something like their baseline level, before you go and make a firm decision about what you want.
But what if it’s been 5 days or more already since the breakup?
In this case, the most dramatic and emotionally consuming part is over, and you should now be regaining the ability to think straight.
If you still want your ex back at this point after at least seemingly regretting a breakup, then proceed on to the next question in this test.
Generally speaking, was the relationship enjoyable day-to-day?
It’s very easy to get so caught up in the emotion and loss of a breakup, that you see all the positives that were there between you, and none of the negatives.
This means you neglect to remember that, for example, there may have been lots of frustrating arguments, or that the sex had dried up. If you are remembering the positives and forgetting the negatives like this, it’s a classic sign of dumpers regret.
So before you make a firm decision to try and get this ex of yours back, first take a cold hard look at the things that you DIDN’T LIKE about the relationship. And then ask yourself: “Isn’t this why I broke up with my girlfriend in the first place? Do I want to deal with that again? And if not, could it possibly be different next time?”
The point is, make sure you’ve considered the downsides to getting back together as well as the upsides, before you truly decide that you regret breaking up with your girlfriend and commit to making a go of re-establishing your relationship with her.
Is your ex still as physically beautiful as when you met her?
I don’t care what anybody says – most men (myself included) are somewhat shallow and place a high value on a girl’s looks when judging her mate value.
We guys place a far higher value on looks than women do when they’re making the same judgment about men.
So, with that reality in mind, make an honest assessment of her looks. If she’s put on a tonne of weight under your watch, she’s not gonna lose that if you take her back. She’ll probably get comfortable in the relationship once again and put even more weight on.
That said, do take into consideration that if you were together for years, she can’t help being and looking older. That’s natural. The point I was making is, if she’s really let herself go and you’re not so physically attracted to her anymore, then REconsider trying to get her back.
Ask yourself, “hmm, isn’t this part of why I left my girlfriend? Perhaps this is one of the reasons why I dumped her”.
Ultimately, does she still meet your beauty standards? It’s very important to have these standards for your own self-worth.
If the answer to that question is ‘no’ then you know what to do (move on). But if she’s still attractive to you, then proceed on to the next question!
Do yours and your ex’s future plans align enough for it to work out?
Timing is HUGELY important in relationships. If both people want the same thing at the same time, then it may just work well even if you are only slightly compatible personality-wise. But if you want the same things only NOT at the same time, or if you want completely different things in life, then Houston we have a problem.
Let’s do an example so that you can fully understand what I mean. Let’s say you’d been together a couple years and had talked about having kids, but she’s young and wants to go do a gap year abroad… Or she’s had a big job offer and it’s 4+ hours drive from where you live. Those are situations where ultimately you do want the same thing (kids) but at different times.
The poor timing is a deal-breaker on the relationship. You can be as compatible as you like when you’re together, but if you want different things in life at different times, you’re sunk. This is the kind of situation where telling yourself, “Maybe it’s better that I broke up with my girlfriend”, could be the right thing to do.
So, what are her future plans looking like? If she doesn’t really have any, and is just kinda coasting forward with no big changes expected, then you’re good to go in terms of getting her back. But if she has a big move planned, or wants something you don’t (or vice versa) – like kids or marriage for example – then it might be worth just leaving it and letting it go.
To that end, here’s a quick couple quotes about regretting letting someone go:
– “The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday.” – Steve Maraboli
– “Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” – Denis Waitley
Is she still single?
If she’s still single then you’re okay to proceed. Maybe she’s been on a date or 2 and there’s some guy she ‘likes’, but if that’s all it is, then getting her back is quite a realistic goal. And after all, you DID break up with her, so she has every right to date new people.
That said, if she’s back dating in the first week after the breakup…hmm that’s a bit of a red flag. She’s dating again so quickly? Yeah…if that’s what she’s doing then maybe question her suitability as your potential partner.
If she’s gotten serious with someone else already, then it’s probably worth just pushing through dumpers regret and moving on. Could you get her back in this situation? Possibly. I’ve seen it happen.
But should you take her back after she’s been with someone else? Well that’s your call – my job is just to put that question in your mind so that you can make an informed decision on it!
I broke up with my ex-girlfriend and now I’m SURE I want her back. How can I get this to happen?
So you’ve given ‘yes’ answers to my test questions above and it is now confirmed, you DO want this girl back. The only question left to answer now is, how to make that happen?
To help you get her back, I first need to know why you dumped her (Note: If she ended it, read this article instead.)
I gotta know why you broke up with her, because it will determine our approach to getting her back. So I need you to ask yourself, “why did I break up with her?”
To help with this, here’s the possible reasons why you dumped her:
She cheated on you?
In this situation, she had already checked out of the relationship before you even dumped her. Sure, officially it’s you who dumped her, but in reality, she pretty much left you first. Because if she still wanted to be with you, she would never have cheated.
So it was only a matter of time before she dumped you anyway. She was just working up the courage to do it.
Thankfully though, you got there first. I say thankfully because the fact that you had enough self-respect and boundaries to break up with her for cheating will have improved your standing in her eyes.
That is to say, when a girl cheats, the best way to recover the relationship and get it back to the healthy way it used to be, is to break up with her initially.
This not only spares your dignity but it also salvages some respect from her – which you’ll NEED, to get and keep her interested again.
If you want her back after she cheated, you should treat this situation as if SHE already ended it – because the techniques and tactics that you will need to get her back are the same ones needed by guys who got dumped by their girlfriends.
Because remember, by cheating she pretty much broke up with you first (emotionally speaking) – it’s just that she didn’t verbalize it and make it official. I wrote a guide to getting an ex-girlfriend back which is perfect for this situation.
Also, see my other post: My Girlfriend Cheated On Me, What Should I Do?
You broke her heart and want her back, meaning you got bored of her, or you wanted your freedom to see other women?
In this situation, she probably still has very strong feelings for you, and getting her back would perhaps be pretty easy. Unless that is, you’ve begged her to take you back, sent gifts or shown other forms of desperation ALREADY, in which case you’d need to do no contact to undo the damage.
But otherwise, a phone call in which you ask her how she’s doing and then go on to have a fun conversation with her, just like you guys did in the past, would probably be enough to get her to meet you for a drink. And from there it’d be easy, BUT…
If you dumped her once before because you got bored in the relationship, then there is every chance that this will just happen again. And then she’ll get hurt, again. I know you broke her heart and want her back but be honest with yourself here: Does your gut feeling tell you that eventually, you might get bored again if in a relationship with THIS girl?
If there’s even a hint of a yes answer to that, consider that since she’s a good girl with a good heart, she deserves not to be hurt by you again. In this case you should stay away from her. Don’t be selfish when someone else stands to lose so badly as a result!
If it’s a hook up you’re looking for and you see your ex as an easy target, then you’re being a coward and a pussy if you go to HER specifically for that. You can get sex from other girls who’s hearts aren’t so invested in you – you’ll just have to push your comfort zone and work a bit harder to get it.
Better to work a little harder and get sex from other chicks, than to have it put on a plate by your ex and hurt her badly in the process. Come on man, you don’t want to break her heart again. You’re better than that!
On the other hand, if you believe you’ve matured further and are ready for commitment to one woman (and you’re sure you want that woman to be your ex), then by all means, let’s proceed and I’ll show you how to win a girl back after you hurt her.
She became a pain in the ass to be around?
What the heck are you doing here reading this? Time to find a more suitable girl, dude!
You or your ex moved far away?
If you dumped her because of geographic distance, then you’ll need to make a plan that lets you two be close together again at some point in the not-too-distant future. Then talk her through that plan, without actually mentioning that you’re doing it just to get back with her.
If you were to mention that, it would change the chasing dynamic too much (you chasing her too much, showing much more interest than she’s showing) and she’d thus LOSE interest.
But if you tell her your plan, which would ‘coincidentally’ land you two geographically closer, you can get her back from HER realizing that if she just waits a bit longer, then you guys can be together locally.
Even if you do all that, though, you’ll nonetheless need to keep her attracted to you in the time that it’s still a long distance situation. Things can quickly fade otherwise.
How to win a girl back after you hurt her
How to get back a girl you dumped or hurt depends on how desperate you got after you broke up with your girlfriend. If you’ve already tried to get her back using reason, gifts and begging, then you are going to need a proven-to-work plan to undo the damage done, and get her to change her mind about you.
However, if you’ve not yet tried at all to get her back, then calling her and arranging to meet, and having a lighthearted exchange where you don’t try to tempt her back, but she (given time) instead chooses this on her own – that would probably be enough to make it happen.