getting your ex girlfriend back

So you made the decision to break up with your now ex-girlfriend, but after some reflection, you’re reconsidering and finding yourself thinking, “I broke up with my girlfriend but I’m feeling dumpers regret and now I changed my mind. How can I get her to change her mind too and get back with me?”

In this article I’m going to point you in the right direction in terms of how to get back with someone you broke up with. First though, just hold your horses for a minute.

Before we delve into resurrecting this relationship, first we need to check whether or not your decision to break up with your girlfriend was actually the correct call or not. Because there’s no point putting in the time and effort that it’ll take to get this girl back, if you actually don’t, in your heart of hearts, really want her back.

That said, if you are absolutely convinced already that having her back would be the right thing, and you want to fast-track the process of changing her mind so that she comes back, go ahead and take my chances of getting your ex-girlfriend back quiz. The results of that quiz will then show you what steps YOU need to take.

NOTE: If it was actually your ex that was the one who broke it off, that changes things and it means you’ll be better off reading my main how to get your ex-girlfriend back
article instead.

“I broke up with my girlfriend but do I really want her back?”
This dumpers regret test will show us if you REALLY regret breaking up!

I need you to answer yes or no to the following questions. ‘Yes’ answers indicate that you really do want this woman back as your partner, while ‘no’ answers show that either it’s still uncertain, or that actually, you don’t truly want her back.

Taking this test is exactly what to do when you broke up with your girlfriend. Ok let’s start:

Has it been at least 5 days since you guys broke up?

In the days immediately after a breakup, you’re in so much emotional anguish, that there’s no chance you can truly know whether you really want this girl back or not.

We humans DON’T like change, so it’s natural that when we realize, “oh shit, I dumped my girlfriend and now I miss her!”, our instant conclusion is that actually we still want to be with her.

It’s called breakup regret or more commonly, “dumpers regret”, and it’s pretty normal if you just broke up with your girlfriend.

That doesn’t mean that you actually want her back (it’s too soon to know) – it just means that like any human, you’re resistant to change away from how things were. It’s important to consider though that you DID break up with her – there must be a reason why you did that!

So if it hasn’t even been 5 days since the breakup yet – a breakup that YOU initiated, then MAYBE you do want her back, and maybe you don’t – it’s just too early to say.

Wait until it’s been 5 days before you make a proper decision on it. After 5 days you’ll be more stable emotionally and thus in a better place to make the correct call on this.

And in any case, so soon after the breakup it will do you, your ex, and your chances of getting back together OR moving on, some good, to take some time out of contact too.

That is to say, that it’s win-win for everyone involved and every possible eventuality from here on out, if you just take some time to let your emotions slip back to something like their baseline level, before you go and make a firm decision about what you want.

But what if it’s been 5 days or more already since the breakup?

In this case, the most dramatic and emotionally consuming part is over, and you should now be regaining the ability to think straight.

If you still want your ex back at this point after at least seemingly regretting a breakup, then proceed on to the next question in this test.

Generally speaking, was the relationship enjoyable day-to-day?

It’s very easy to get so caught up in the emotion and loss of a breakup, that you see all the positives that were there between you, and none of the negatives.

This means you neglect to remember that, for example, there may have been lots of frustrating arguments, or that the sex had dried up. If you are remembering the positives and forgetting the negatives like this, it’s a classic sign of dumpers regret.

So before you make a firm decision to try and get this ex of yours back, first take a cold hard look at the things that you DIDN’T LIKE about the relationship. And then ask yourself: “Isn’t this why I broke up with my girlfriend in the first place? Do I want to deal with that again? And if not, could it possibly be different next time?”

The point is, make sure you’ve considered the downsides to getting back together as well as the upsides, before you truly decide that you regret breaking up with your girlfriend and commit to making a go of re-establishing your relationship with her.

Is your ex still as physically beautiful as when you met her?

I don’t care what anybody says – most men (myself included) are somewhat shallow and place a high value on a girl’s looks when judging her mate value.

We guys place a far higher value on looks than women do when they’re making the same judgment about men.

So, with that reality in mind, make an honest assessment of her looks. If she’s put on a tonne of weight under your watch, she’s not gonna lose that if you take her back. She’ll probably get comfortable in the relationship once again and put even more weight on.

That said, do take into consideration that if you were together for years, she can’t help being and looking older. That’s natural. The point I was making is, if she’s really let herself go and you’re not so physically attracted to her anymore, then REconsider trying to get her back.

Ask yourself, “hmm, isn’t this part of why I left my girlfriend? Perhaps this is one of the reasons why I dumped her”.

Ultimately, does she still meet your beauty standards? It’s very important to have these standards for your own self-worth.

If the answer to that question is ‘no’ then you know what to do (move on). But if she’s still attractive to you, then proceed on to the next question!

Do yours and your ex’s future plans align enough for it to work out?

Timing is HUGELY important in relationships. If both people want the same thing at the same time, then it may just work well even if you are only slightly compatible personality-wise. But if you want the same things only NOT at the same time, or if you want completely different things in life, then Houston we have a problem.

Let’s do an example so that you can fully understand what I mean. Let’s say you’d been together a couple years and had talked about having kids, but she’s young and wants to go do a gap year abroad… Or she’s had a big job offer and it’s 4+ hours drive from where you live. Those are situations where ultimately you do want the same thing (kids) but at different times.

The poor timing is a deal-breaker on the relationship. You can be as compatible as you like when you’re together, but if you want different things in life at different times, you’re sunk. This is the kind of situation where telling yourself, “Maybe it’s better that I broke up with my girlfriend”, could be the right thing to do.

So, what are her future plans looking like? If she doesn’t really have any, and is just kinda coasting forward with no big changes expected, then you’re good to go in terms of getting her back. But if she has a big move planned, or wants something you don’t (or vice versa) – like kids or marriage for example – then it might be worth just leaving it and letting it go.

To that end, here’s a quick couple quotes about regretting letting someone go:

– “The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday.” – Steve Maraboli

– “Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” – Denis Waitley

Is she still single?

If she’s still single then you’re okay to proceed. Maybe she’s been on a date or 2 and there’s some guy she ‘likes’, but if that’s all it is, then getting her back is quite a realistic goal. And after all, you DID break up with her, so she has every right to date new people.

That said, if she’s back dating in the first week after the breakup…hmm that’s a bit of a red flag. She’s dating again so quickly? Yeah…if that’s what she’s doing then maybe question her suitability as your potential partner.

If she’s gotten serious with someone else already, then it’s probably worth just pushing through dumpers regret and moving on. Could you get her back in this situation? Possibly. I’ve seen it happen.

But should you take her back after she’s been with someone else? Well that’s your call – my job is just to put that question in your mind so that you can make an informed decision on it!

I broke up with my ex-girlfriend and now I’m SURE I want her back. How can I get this to happen?

So you’ve given ‘yes’ answers to my test questions above and it is now confirmed, you DO want this girl back. The only question left to answer now is, how to make that happen?

To help you get her back, I first need to know why you dumped her (Note: If she ended it, read this article instead.)

I gotta know why you broke up with her, because it will determine our approach to getting her back. So I need you to ask yourself, “why did I break up with her?”

To help with this, here’s the possible reasons why you dumped her:

She cheated on you?

In this situation, she had already checked out of the relationship before you even dumped her. Sure, officially it’s you who dumped her, but in reality, she pretty much left you first. Because if she still wanted to be with you, she would never have cheated.

So it was only a matter of time before she dumped you anyway. She was just working up the courage to do it.

Thankfully though, you got there first. I say thankfully because the fact that you had enough self-respect and boundaries to break up with her for cheating will have improved your standing in her eyes.

That is to say, when a girl cheats, the best way to recover the relationship and get it back to the healthy way it used to be, is to break up with her initially.

This not only spares your dignity but it also salvages some respect from her – which you’ll NEED, to get and keep her interested again.

If you want her back after she cheated, you should treat this situation as if SHE already ended it – because the techniques and tactics that you will need to get her back are the same ones needed by guys who got dumped by their girlfriends.

Because remember, by cheating she pretty much broke up with you first (emotionally speaking) – it’s just that she didn’t verbalize it and make it official. I wrote a guide to getting an ex-girlfriend back which is perfect for this situation.

Also, see my other post: My Girlfriend Cheated On Me, What Should I Do?

You broke her heart and want her back, meaning you got bored of her, or you wanted your freedom to see other women?

In this situation, she probably still has very strong feelings for you, and getting her back would perhaps be pretty easy. Unless that is, you’ve begged her to take you back, sent gifts or shown other forms of desperation ALREADY, in which case you’d need to do no contact to undo the damage.

But otherwise, a phone call in which you ask her how she’s doing and then go on to have a fun conversation with her, just like you guys did in the past, would probably be enough to get her to meet you for a drink. And from there it’d be easy, BUT…

If you dumped her once before because you got bored in the relationship, then there is every chance that this will just happen again. And then she’ll get hurt, again. I know you broke her heart and want her back but be honest with yourself here: Does your gut feeling tell you that eventually, you might get bored again if in a relationship with THIS girl?

If there’s even a hint of a yes answer to that, consider that since she’s a good girl with a good heart, she deserves not to be hurt by you again. In this case you should stay away from her. Don’t be selfish when someone else stands to lose so badly as a result!

If it’s a hook up you’re looking for and you see your ex as an easy target, then you’re being a coward and a pussy if you go to HER specifically for that. You can get sex from other girls who’s hearts aren’t so invested in you – you’ll just have to push your comfort zone and work a bit harder to get it.

Better to work a little harder and get sex from other chicks, than to have it put on a plate by your ex and hurt her badly in the process. Come on man, you don’t want to break her heart again. You’re better than that!

On the other hand, if you believe you’ve matured further and are ready for commitment to one woman (and you’re sure you want that woman to be your ex), then by all means, let’s proceed and I’ll show you how to win a girl back after you hurt her.

She became a pain in the ass to be around?

What the heck are you doing here reading this? Time to find a more suitable girl, dude!

You or your ex moved far away?

If you dumped her because of geographic distance, then you’ll need to make a plan that lets you two be close together again at some point in the not-too-distant future. Then talk her through that plan, without actually mentioning that you’re doing it just to get back with her.

If you were to mention that, it would change the chasing dynamic too much (you chasing her too much, showing much more interest than she’s showing) and she’d thus LOSE interest.

But if you tell her your plan, which would ‘coincidentally’ land you two geographically closer, you can get her back from HER realizing that if she just waits a bit longer, then you guys can be together locally.

Even if you do all that, though, you’ll nonetheless need to keep her attracted to you in the time that it’s still a long distance situation. Things can quickly fade otherwise.

How to win a girl back after you hurt her

How to get back a girl you dumped or hurt depends on how desperate you got after you broke up with your girlfriend. If you’ve already tried to get her back using reason, gifts and begging, then you are going to need a proven-to-work plan to undo the damage done, and get her to change her mind about you.

However, if you’ve not yet tried at all to get her back, then calling her and arranging to meet, and having a lighthearted exchange where you don’t try to tempt her back, but she (given time) instead chooses this on her own – that would probably be enough to make it happen.

Once you’re done and dusted with your planned amount of time out of communication with your ex, you then need to know what the next step to take is – you need to know what to do after no contact.

Get this next step wrong, and it can cancel out the progress you’ve made during your period of stopping the communication channels. That means, unthinkably, that no contact would need repeating. Thus it’s very important that you get this next step right!

NOTE: If you didn’t do no contact (NC) yet, understand that getting it right is very important. You’ll need to know how long to do it, how to react if your ex reaches out to you during it, and a whole host of other things. My ultimate guide to the no contact rule will tell you everything you need to know.

1. First thing to do AFTER no contact is to kill your desperate need to communicate with your ex, and don’t rush into anything

When you’ve agonized your way through each day of no contact trying not to talk to your ex, it’s very easy to convey desperation in your first call or message to her. You MUST prevent this from happening as a number 1 priority because if signs of desperation or that you miss her get through, the time out of contact will all have been for nothing.

That means the first step to take here is to say to yourself, “Okay, I did it, I got through it, now just keep calm and take your time before reaching out to her”.

Women are incredible in their ability to read between the lines and suss out your emotional state, even just from text messages. If you take your time over contacting her and don’t rush into it, i.e. if you do this first step of this article, then no desperation will be conveyed and things will run smoothly.

2. Work on your body language and general vibe

The whole idea of contacting your ex is so that you can then meet up with her, with a view to getting her back, right?

Exactly. So when it DOES get to the meet up part, if you can seem more attractive to her due to improved body language and vibe, then that is, of course, going to be a HUGE advantage.

Now, it’s important to work on body language and vibe days or preferably even a few weeks before you see your ex, because improving your body language and vibe takes time. It requires the building of more masculine behavioral habits, and building habits takes persistence over time. That’s why it’s important that you work on this up front, days before you guys hang out. It’s also why improving your body language and your vibe is imperative after the no contact rule as a 2nd priority (step 2 on this list).

3. Use social media to show High Dating Market Value, to bait your ex into reaching out first

It is advantageous if your ex-girlfriend reaches out to you, instead of the other way around. That’s because whoever reaches out first is basically setting a dynamic in which they are pursuing, and the receiver of the first message is the pursued. The pursued is accepted to be the higher in Dating Market Value (DMV) between the 2 of you, at least in her mind. It’s called the law of least effort…the person making less effort (the pursued) is perceived as superior to the person making more effort (the pursuer).

For that reason, after no contact, it is worth trying to bait your ex into contacting you first. This way she feels like she’s pursuing or chasing you, more so than you are pursuing or chasing her, which increases her interest level.

ALWAYS let a girl chase and pursue if possible. This way she increases her own interest level in you while you sit back and enjoy the fruits of HER labor. You’ve seen situations where a total douche bag attracts a lovely girl and you just couldn’t figure out what she saw in him, right? Yeah, well this is what was happening… That guy LET THE GIRL COME TO HIM, and as a result she felt more interested in him.

Dating dynamics…it should all be starting to click in your mind now!

Okay so back to the 3rd step of what to do after the 30 day no contact rule (I actually recommend less time than that, but a lot of people say 30 days). This 3rd step is to use social media to demonstrate high DMV. You do this by posting updates on Facebook or whatever social media apps you and your ex both use…updates that showcase your high value.

Some examples of posting high value would be ‘before and after’ photos of you, showing how much muscle you gained or fat you lost (you are hitting the gym harder since the breakup right?), or taking a photo of yourself out on the town with buddies and some girls you guys met. Or a photo from a trip you did to a place that you know she’ll find interesting.

Basically anything that shows you to be a high value man will do for this. The meal you just ate? No that’s not gonna cut it. A selfie you just took in your bedroom? Nope. Those things don’t convey high value.

4. How to contact your ex after no contact: Text her saying you were just deleting old pics and found *this* photo!

A lot of guys worry about what to say after no contact, so let’s explore how to contact your ex after no contact.

If your efforts from the 3rd step just above don’t tempt your ex-girlfriend into reaching out to you first, then send her a picture message that is designed to get an emotional response from her (designed to make her miss you). Make it a photo of the two of you, of a happy time that you shared together.

The danger in sending this type of message is that she’ll think you’re really missing her and are looking through old photos due to that. If she thinks this, she’ll then feel like you’re much more interested in her than she is in you, and she’ll feel like you’re pursuing her. This prevents her from wanting you back, because as she sees it, guys who pursue her are lower in DMV than she is (or they wouldn’t be pursuing so hard).

To counteract that problem, drop a caption in with your photo saying, “was just deleting old pics and found this one!”

That way, she learns that you found this photo because ‘you’re moving on’, as shown by the fact that you’re deleting photos (even though you’re not).

Now don’t panic, it IS actually a good thing if she thinks you’re moving on. It makes her more likely to backtrack, “oh no he’s moving on…actually I think I do want him after all!” It provokes a panic response in her that can make her want you again.

The average guy thinks that if his ex-girlfriend believes he doesn’t want her anymore, then in turn she won’t want him either. I understand the logic of that, but in practicality, it just doesn’t work that way. Women often love a man for YEARS after he stops loving her. Her love for him is not dependent on his for her! This is just how it works!

Okay so with that cleared up, having done the steps previous to this one, send your picture message. Just note that this picture message alone is not going to work miracles. You’ll need solid texting technique to regain and hold her interest long enough to meet up and tempt her back.

Will my ex come back after no contact?

There’s no guarantees of anything in life, but your ex is a lot more likely to come back if you DO the no contact rule, than if you don’t. For that reason, you definitely should try it if you didn’t yet.

No contact has the power to SET THE STAGE for her to come back, but it almost certainly won’t do the whole job by itself. I wrote another article that can guide you through how to win an ex-girlfriend back.

What to do after no contact with your ex:

1. Kill your desperate need to communicate with your ex, and don’t rush into anything.
2. Work on your body language and general vibe.
3. Use social media to show high dating market value, to bait your ex into reaching out first.
4. Text her saying you were just deleting old pictures and found this one!

Doing the no contact phase during a breakup is a lot more complicated than just saying, “don’t contact her”. There’s much more to it, such as “how many days should I do no contact for?” and, “is this even that effective?”

I receive these types of questions all the time. That’s why I’ve put this article together, to fill in the gaps and make double-sure that you know what you’re doing.

Now please bear in mind, I wrote a detailed guide on using the no contact rule already, so that article will show you how to actually use the rule for your personal situation.

THIS article, however, simply exists to fill in any remaining holes in the information provided in that main article, and to just clarify a few things.

Alright, so let’s start this FAQ session off very simply:

“What is the no contact rule?”

The no contact rule is the general idea that at this time, when you’ve just separated from your ex, it will be PRODUCTIVE to cut contact with her, temporarily.

Now, when I say productive, I mean it in the sense that, whether you want to get your ex-girlfriend back, or if you just want to get over her, either way, cutting contact for the time being will help you to reach your chosen goal.

If you think about it, taking some time away from each other makes sense. After a very emotional breakup (they always are), both parties need some time to let their emotions get back to something like baseline level, so that they can then make good decisions about what they want going forward.

This is necessary because we tend to make bad decisions when we are in a highly emotional state, so it’s good to give ourselves the time to get our heads straight first, and then make a decision about what to do next based on a mix of solid logic and emotion…rather than just the raw emotion that we feel right after a breakup.

Even if you know you want your ex-girlfriend or wife back right after breaking up, it is STILL a good idea to just take some time to get your head right before you push on and try to make getting back together actually happen.

So, what is no contact? It’s the time away from your ex that you BOTH NEED, to either become able to want each other back, or to get over each other and move on. Whichever one of those 2 things is your goal, stopping the communication channels for a while (NC) will help.

“Is no contact good or bad?”

In almost all cases, no contact is good. It gives things some time to heal on their own, at a point when, in most situations, any other actions would just make things even worse due to the whole breakup being so fresh and emotionally charged.

The only situations when doing a no contact phase might be bad are when your situation is a very strong case of Category B, or a situation that fits into Category C. In those less common types of cases, refraining from communication may possibly make things worse.

Most breakup situations are Category A, though, and with Category A, doing no contact is usually the best way forward to begin with.

“Should I do a 30 day no contact rule?”

Some say that no contact with an ex for a month is the right amount of time. In my experience and in the experience of many of my clients, you don’t need that much time away. Often 1-2 weeks will suffice, and my recommendation from my main no contact guide fits within that time parameter.

30 days no contact gives your ex time to start missing you and to lose those feelings of missing you again too. She can come full circle in that time. That’s why one month of no contact is just a bit too long for a lot of situations. You can try it if you think you need longer than what I recommend, but no contact for a month is probably overkill. If you want to do it for a bit longer, do 3 weeks instead.

“I plan to do 60 days no contact, is that okay?”

Again, a 60 day no contact rule is going to be too long. Your ex has time to want you back and then get over you again in that amount of time. Basically, if you do no contact for 2 months, you miss your chance to win her back.

The only circumstance when no contact for 60 days might be okay, is when you’ve previously tried a shorter period of NC, gone through the other essential steps to getting a girl back, and it hasn’t worked yet.

In that case, a significantly extended period of no communication then becomes something that is worth considering. But when you haven’t yet attempted any of my tried-and-trusted tactics to get an ex-girlfriend back, 2 months for your first phase of NC will be way too long.

“I’ve heard that 90 days no contact can work, is that right?”

Just like with 2 months, 3 months no contact is overkill. Unless, that is, you’ve already tried multiple times to get her back (including doing NC), and it hasn’t worked. If you’ve already tried NC, each time that you try it again, you’ll need to hold a more extended period of silence between you.

So for example, the first time that you try to get her back, you run NC for 11 days. It doesn’t work, so next time you run NC for 3 weeks. That doesn’t work either so you then try 3 months NC…each time the NC gets progressively longer, which is how it should be.

I would only recommend 90 days no contact in situations where you’ve had 2 or more tries at getting her back already, using shorter (than 90 days) phases of no communication, and had no luck. Unless that’s the case, 90 days is going to be MUCH too long.

Concluding Remarks

Hopefully this article has clarified a few things with regards to NC and staying away from your ex for a while. Hopefully you now have a clearer picture of what to do about your situation, going forwards.

Of course, there’s much more to it than just doing some time out of contact. NC alone is not going to get your ex-girlfriend to come back to you. You’ll need to demonstrate higher Dating Market Value as well, so that she can then see that you ARE, after all, the right man for her.

If you’ve just had a breakup, you’re very likely panicking right now trying to decide how to fix the mess you’re in.

I imagine you’ve read a bit online on what to do about it, and the idea of stopping the communication (no contact) with your ex-girlfriend for a period of time, is probably appearing in what you’re reading.

So now you’re thinking, “Does no contact work? And if so, WHY does no contact work?”

First of All, Yes, No Contact Does Work. Really.

Having used the no contact rule myself and had it work, and having then started this website and encouraged thousands of other guys to use it too, and having seen their no contact success stories, I can definitively say, yes, the no contact rule works.

That’s the short answer. If you’re not bothered about WHY it works, and you just need to know how to use the no contact rule, then go read my article on that now.

Okay so now that I’ve given you a clear answer on whether or not no contact works, let’s just talk a little about what you’re getting yourself into with it, before we discuss WHY no contact works.

No contact is one of the most emotionally tough and frustrating things you’ll ever go through. It will be very, very hard to get through without breaking and reaching out to your ex.

That in mind, with the way I’ve seen NC work for clients of mine in all kinds of different complicated situations, I can wholeheartedly recommend it as the first step that you take after a breakup with an ex-girlfriend or wife.

For most situations, it is THE correct first step to take. It’s also the correct step to take if you already tried a bunch of other shit which has failed miserably.

Now, no contact does work but it doesn’t have a 100% success rate. If doing a no contact phase doesn’t work though, nothing else would have worked either anyway. Why?

Because if you don’t give your ex-girlfriend some time apart to let this whole breakup thing fall into the past, then she won’t have the capacity, emotionally speaking, to want you back and show signs that she wants you back.

So nothing else can work to get her back, until no contact has been done. Let’s discuss that in a little more depth…

WHY No Contact Works On Women (Even Stubborn Ones) After a Breakup

Women make their decisions (especially with regards to who they date) on an EMOTIONAL basis. That means that if a woman has broken up with you, it’s because she’s been feeling negative emotions about you (usually boredom), probably for quite a while.

Now, in the time shortly after she’s felt these negative emotions about you and broken up with you, you almost certainly can’t get her back at that point. All you can do is give those emotions of hers TIME to cool off and dissipate. And THAT can only happen by you leaving her alone for a while (which is the definition of no contact, pretty much).

SO you CAN get her back, just not yet.

If you do ANYTHING ELSE other than leave her to cool off (for instance if you try to convince her to stay with you, or give her gifts), it won’t work because the negative emotions she’s been feeling about you, which are the reason she broke up with you, would still be there.

In actual fact, trying to convince her to take you back or giving her gifts, these are tactics that don’t work at ANY time. That’s because in both cases you’re basically chasing and pursuing her, communicating to her that her Dating Market Value (DMV) is higher than yours. This is a problem because she wants a man who’s DMV is at least as high as hers. That’s a topic for a how to get her back discussion, though.

Basically you need to allow your ex-girlfriend’s negative emotions towards you, time to cool off and disappear into the past.

Or in other words, you need to run no contact. This way, her negative emotions will cool, and she’ll then be in a frame of mind where you may be able to get her to come back to you. This is walking away to get her back!

So when I say really the no contact rule works, I mean that it works to set you up with a blank canvas and a fresh start, so that you’ve then got a base from which you can work to get your ex girlfriend back.

Does the no contact rule work on women in and of itself, without you having to do anything else? Will no contact bring her back on its own?

Not usually, no. Don’t get me wrong, it plays a hugely important part after a breakup, but if the only step you take is to do no contact, you’ll likely fail. No contact needs to be involved, but you need to do more than that, overall.

In essence, no contact sets the foundation for getting your ex-girlfriend back, but it won’t do the entire job – only set the foundation. And it’s a foundation that, without it, the steps that actually DO work to get a woman back, wouldn’t work.

To be clear, you NEED this foundation of no contact done first, so that the steps that DO work to get a girl back, CAN work. Without the foundation of no contact done up front, the same steps that would have worked had you done no contact, would be ineffective… No contact is THAT important.

For anyone wondering what does no contact do, if you read the few paragraphs just above, you’ll have a really clear idea about it. Will no contact work to get my ex back? Yes it can, but you’ll need to take other steps too.

Does No Contact Work (Or Will It Work) For My Specific Situation?

Here’s the test for whether or not no contact would work for your situation. Answer these quick questions with a yes or a no, and I’ll tell you if running the no contact phase is the best way for you to proceed or not.

Did YOUR breakup just happen in the last few days?

If yes, do no contact, 100%. It’s the best thing for your situation, regardless of how complex that situation is. Your ex-girlfriend NEEDS that cooling off period, to just let the negative emotions she’s been feeling towards you, drift away into the past. That way she’ll gain the CAPACITY to get back with you a bit later on. She’s just not ready to be back with you at this moment – so do the no contact phase, and then follow the rest of the steps for getting an ex-girlfriend back.

Was your breakup a week or more ago, but you haven’t done an extended period of time out of contact yet?

If yes, do the no contact rule. Until you spend some time apart first, no other tactics to get her back are going to be able to work. This HAS to happen first.

Have you done a no contact phase, either intentionally or quite by accident, but since then, the situation has not improved at all, or even gotten worse?

In this case, do a new no contact phase, except this time, do it the RIGHT way, like I teach here.

Didn’t answer yes to any of those questions?

No worries! That means that although no contact works, you don’t need to do it, and you can instead move onto step 2, which is to improve your vibe, masculinity and general attractiveness. To see this step, please first take my ex-back chances quiz. Your results page will then give you the other steps to take in your specific situation.

No Contact Success Stories

I’ve had many clients that have come to me with ex-back success stories. They don’t always mention no contact as a standout part of the strategy that got them their ex back, but some sure do! The reason why (usually) is written into this article above…it just allows your ex some breathing room that gives her the capacity to miss you and want you back.

That’s how I’ve been able to write this article..from clients coming to me with no contact rule success stories and telling me why it worked for them:

“Doing no contact really made my ex miss me, and I was able to use that to get her back.” – Charlie T, May 2017.

“NC gave me some time to work on myself, but it also caused a change in my ex. She was a lot more receptive to my texts after I did it.” – Shay F, June 2017.

No contact is like the springboard that kick-starts the process of getting a girl back. She gets space from you, and that enables her to miss you. Then you use the fact that she’s missing you, to get her back.

Maybe you’re thinking about having sex with your ex “just one more time.” Or, she could be offering “ex-girlfriend sex” – and you’re wondering whether to take her up on the offer. Perhaps you’ve already hooked up with your ex, and you’re considering what to do next. Having sex with an ex is risky business, but it can work out for the two of you under certain circumstances.

Should I have sex with my ex?

If you haven’t already indulged in sex with the ex (but feel the urge), your decision to have sex with an ex hinges on a wide range of factors:

• Do you want sex, to get her back, or just some time to decide?
• Are you worried about finding someone new or better?
• Do the two of you want to have sex for the same reasons?
• Is she showing indicators of interest (IOIs)?
• Will having sex with the ex help you get her back – or is now the wrong time for that step?
• Is she your ex-girlfriend, ex-live-in-girlfriend, or ex-wife?
• Do you have children together?
• Why did you break up in the first place?

If you’ve already slept with your ex, check out the special section at the end of this article for making sense of this new reality, deciding if you should continue, and creating a winning strategy.

Is it wrong to sleep with your ex?

Yes if the two of you don’t want the same thing. However, your ex may want what you want. If you don’t know what you want, she may not, either. If you’re looking for a convenient hookup as you move on, she may, too. If you miss her and want her back, she may feel the same way. But, she may not be looking for the same thing you are.

In some cases, sex with the ex is the right move – but tread carefully. You need to examine her behavior, agenda, and motives. Consider these perspectives on the “should I have sex with my ex-girlfriend” question:

Sleeping with your ex to make up your mind about her – If you don’t know what you want from the relationship, sex can help you decide whether or not to get back together with your ex. Without the constraints of a relationship, both of you can take more liberties and ask for what you really want in bed.

Make sure both of you want the same thing (the key to success in any of these scenarios). After a no contact period, let her know you aren’t sure you want to get back together and want to connect with her sexually a few times to make up your mind.

Yes, you run the risk of leading her on if she desperately wants to get you back. However, you risk hurting yourself if you decide you want to give it another go and she says no. If you and her both genuinely don’t know what you want after a breakup, you can take this route – but only with a massive amount of communication and a time limit.

Talk with your ex after hooking up (but not immediately after sex – wait until the next day or so). Meet in a neutral location like a coffee shop and have a frank discussion. Don’t make it a date – pick a time in the early afternoon before another commitment so the two of you won’t fall into old dating patterns and avoid this difficult conversation with “make up” sex. It sounds appealing, but it’s just avoidance behavior. If you and your ex are really going to get back together, you need time, space, and better communication than before.

Sleeping with an ex who loves you when you just want to get laid – If you’re checking the “having sex with ex” box just to get your rocks off, make sure she feels the same. If you know you don’t want your ex back and see them as an easy target for getting your needs met, save your ex the heartbreak and find someone new.

Remember, have compassion for your ex. Intercourse typically influences women’s feelings much more than men’s. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying men care less about women than women do about men. The difference is in the timing: women cross a major emotional threshold when they have sex with a guy. Guys get attached more gradually: sometimes before and sometimes after sex.

Because there isn’t an emotional “pill,” women’s bodies don’t know they’re having safe, fun, casual sex. On a physiological level, women are gambling on not getting pregnant every time they hook up with a guy. If you get back with your ex and then leave her in the dust, you’re reopening the wound of your breakup and then making it worse.

Sleeping with an ex you love when she only wants to get laid – If you’re heartbroken and she isn’t that into you anymore, remember she may just be using you for sex. Though this sounds like a cliché men’s fantasy, it isn’t. Casual sex when you want more is torture.

Don’t be desperate and don’t cling to her. If she’s willing to have sex with you when it’s obvious she’s moving on to other guys, remember the “transition period.” Many women keep sleeping with their exes after breakups – but not to get back together. They want the security of a guy they know will take them back if their new relationship doesn’t work out.

You deserve much more than just being someone’s backup plan. Don’t put yourself through this heartache. Even if she gets back with you because her new guy didn’t want her, your old problems will still be there. She’s looking for a new guy for a reason – don’t take her back just so she has more time to keep playing the field behind your back!

Sleeping with your ex to get her back – If you’re certain you want your ex back (and you think she feels the same), wading through the murky “sex with ex girlfriend” waters could pay off. Sex with the ex plays a huge part in getting back together. (Remember what I said earlier about sex meaning triggering women’s attachment circuits more than men’s.)

If your ex-partner is showing signs of possibly wanting you back, having sex with an ex may be appropriate. Remember to maintain a healthy balance between your desire for her and hers for you. If this is going to work out, you need a solid plan on how to get your ex girlfriend back, self-control, and a long-term outlook. You may be able to get her back in bed – but can you get her back in your life?

You can only fix your relationship and keep it going this time if you address the core reasons the two of you broke up. You need to get real with each other – getting back in the sack is important – but just one of many milestones on your journey together.

Alternatives to sex with the ex

If you’re ready to move on and feel the urge to hook up with your ex, refer to the “Sleeping with an ex just to get laid” section above. Have some compassion (and some class) and move on.

Luckily, the period right after a breakup is the perfect time for casual sex. Put away the Kleenex, stop binge-watching Netflix, and go out with your buddies. Not only will moving on help you avoid “one-itis” (focusing on one woman as if she’s the only one in the world who’s right for you), it will help you get amazing results with new women.

Think about it – when you’re in a normal emotional state (not getting over a breakup), you’ll naturally take things slow with new women. Because every hookup might lead to a longer-term relationship (LTR), you want to say the right things. You want to give yourself the option of converting your short-term relationships into longer ones, if things go well.

However, when you’re wounded after a relationship, the LTR circuits in your brain are still focused on your ex. That’s why you’re reading this article, right?

If you’re a typical shy guy, use the magical few weeks after a relationship ends to enjoy the massive confidence this phase brings. Give your ex time to heal, go out, and meet new women. Not only is moving on the right thing to do in certain cases – it’s very attractive. Your ex will see you in a new light once she realizes you can attract and sleep with other beautiful women!

What if it’s obvious my ex wants to have sex?

She’s flirting, sending sexy texts, and maybe even finding excuses to hang out with you and your buddies. It’s fair to say she wants you back – at least in bed. However, does she want any more than that?

It’s time to examine her motivations in detail. As I said above, she may want you back – or only as a backup plan. Or, she may not know what she wants.

I know it’s tempting, but don’t get too excited just because your ex-girlfriend wants to fuck. If you’ve read this far, you know women have various agendas for hooking up with their exes.

If your ex wants to have sex with you, examine the power relationships that existed before you split up:

• Who broke up with whom?
• Did you break up in a fight, or without much passion?
• Did the person who initiated the breakup lose interest in the other, or were they seeking better treatment?
• Did either one (or both) of you cheat?
• Who made the decision to break up – and why?

The person who chose to end your relationship has the upper hand in certain ways. If she broke up with you (probably why you’re reading this article), you probably need to re-invent yourself in her eyes and regain her respect. That’s what my guide on how to win a girl back is for. However, if she broke up with you because you were too much of a “bad boy,” read on.

Breakups are rarely (if ever) “mutual.” Perhaps she suggested it and you agreed, which equals a 70/30 split in her favor). Maybe you found out she was cheating and ended things. Just because you ended it, it isn’t 90/10 in your favor. She showed disinterest in you by cheating (and by letting you find out about it). I’d say this comes to a 60/40 split in her favor (because you ended things firmly and didn’t let her get away with it).

Yes, you may have the upper hand in your relationship after your breakup. If you broke up with her because of her crazy/inappropriate behavior, she will probably try to get back in bed with you (80/20 in your favor). If you broke up with her because you don’t find her attractive anymore, she definitely wants you back – but may not risk a second rejection by offering sex.

Do you still have strong feelings for each other?

If the two of you broke up in a passionate fight, you have a good chance of getting back together. Just don’t do it too fast. Couples fight when they want each other but don’t want to compromise.
Imagine – you want her to stop flirting with other guys but want her so badly you overlook it sometimes. Eventually, you lose your temper when she talks about how much she likes a “friend” of hers. Meanwhile, she has a lot of attraction for you but doesn’t like how bossy and controlling you are.

In the above example, you’re responding to her disrespect with controlling behaviors. She’s feeling trapped and asserting her independence. By reacting (not responding) to each other, you’re just adding fuel to the fire, which will quickly get out of hand.

You and your ex need to communicate, take time to mature, and compromise. You have to reel in your jealousy; conversely, she needs to respect your feelings. The trick is to do this at the same time. You don’t want to give an inch – and neither does she.

Agree to take “baby steps” toward getting back together. Define small, concrete steps for each of you to take. Build on this success with more mutual compromises until you get back together – and for the rest of your relationship!

Have you and your ex “lost the spark,” or has on one of you increased their expectations?

If you aren’t interested in her (physically) anymore but want to stay with her for other reasons, think again. Do you really want to get back together, just to go through another breakup?
If you don’t want to have sex with the ex, don’t. You can’t heal your relationship that way. It’s time to move on in that case.

To your knowledge, is cheating an issue?

If you cheated and she wants you back, realize that the power dynamic has shifted between the two of you. She now has a wound that she can draw on whenever you’re having a disagreement. The guilt and regret you feel about cheating are necessary feelings for the healing of your relationship. However, your ex can also leverage them to get what she wants, going forward.

Sex with the ex can create a new bond after cheating, but be prepared: her emotions will probably change dramatically from day to day. After behaving in a lovey-dovey way and sleeping with you, she may well feel safe to hurl abuse in your direction. Sex can help, but don’t see it as an end to your relationship problems. It will take a long time (and many hills and valleys) to get through this and fix your relationship.

Over time, you need to agree with her that she can’t keep using your cheating episode against you. At some point (after you’ve won her back), she needs to forgive you and start over with a clean slate – or move on without you. Don’t force this choice too soon, just be aware that it’s necessary and pick the right moment to stand your ground.

You need to apologize and—more importantly—demonstrate that you can be trusted. This process will take a long time, and you need to be absolutely certain you want to get back with this woman for good. She’ll certainly make you work for it!

If she was the one who cheated, she probably doesn’t respect you. You need to enforce strong boundaries and wait to have sex with her until you can trust her again. It isn’t enough for her to say she won’t cheat on you again – you need to know why she did it in the first place.

Sad to say, your ex probably cheated on you because she wanted someone higher up the food chain. She was likely keeping you around until she got this guy (or one of a number of guys) to commit. Remember – women can usually get sex by throwing themselves at guys, but not all of them will stick around.

You need to fix this situation by showing her you’re a stronger man than she thought – as strong or stronger than the guys she cheated on you with. This demonstration process will take time – and it may be better for you both to see other people while you get your shit together. Besides, it’s only fair for you to enjoy hooking up with others, just like she has done, right?

One exception to the above strategy applies to the rare case that you’re a very strong, alpha man – and she cheated on you with a weaker guy. (She may have thought you were cheating on her and started looking for a backup guy.) In this case, she wants the opposite of the previous example. She wants you to be weaker and more vulnerable (at least when you’re alone with her) – not more of a ‘bad boy’.

If you want to get back with her, you have a good chance. It will take some work on your part to let her win once in a while and compromise more often. However, if you show her you want to reconcile and she sees you change, she’ll surely have more attraction for you than a weaker guy.

What if she isn’t giving me any signals – should I try to have sex with my ex?

Yes. Women have an amazing ability to mask their true feelings. (As I explain in the Finding the Perfect Time section below, you need to do this too!) It isn’t about deceiving her. It’s about showing her you’re strong enough to go out and socialize – even when you don’t want to.

If your ex isn’t showing signs of interest, be very careful to do the same. Don’t express emotions too soon and look weak. Instead, examine the signals she’s putting out there: Is she posting on social media about the value of love and commitment (a good sign she wants to get back together unless you cheated)? Is she posting about the value of adventure and independence from men (not a good sign)? Remember, she may be very subtly communicating her feelings to her friends (to get support and attention) with images and shares, not deeply personal (and obvious) social media posts.

The best you can do if your ex isn’t giving you any signals is to wait her out in “observer mode.” Don’t suggest communicating for the purposes of fixing your relationship. After your no contact period, continue with only the slightest of communication. Restrict yourself to very slight moves like “liking” her posts, but only if they sub-communicate neediness on her part (not independence from men, etc.)

If she contacts you because of the aloofness you’re demonstrating, be sure to take it slow. End text/social media messaging conversations before she does, especially if she doesn’t flirt. Keep sexual innuendo out of it – simply showing her attention communicates your willingness to hook up.
Drive her crazy by demonstrating strength and accepting she has other options in the dating pool – though none as good as you, of course!

Can sex get your ex back – and is now the right time?

Because sex dramatically affects women’s attitudes toward guys, you need to choose the right moment to hook up with your ex. But the short answer is that yes, sex can actually get your ex back in some cases.

Risks of hooking up too soon with your ex

No matter how much you want and miss each other, you and your ex probably won’t benefit from jumping back in the sack. You may still have the hots for each other, but this doesn’t address the reasons you broke up in the first place. Typically, these reasons revolve around the power issues between you.

For example, if you don’t enforce a No Contact Period, you could be setting yourself (and your ex) up for a destructive breakup/makeup cycle. By giving into your desires (and possibly your ex’s urgings) to have sex too soon after your breakup, you show neediness and give away your power. At each step of the getting-back-together process, you need to demonstrate your desire to walk away – just as much as your willingness to give it another shot.

After breakups, women may keep having sex with their exes while they test out their new boyfriends for suitability. Don’t set yourself up for pain: if you don’t realize she’s in a transition time and assume the two of you are getting back together, think again. You may be only her backup plan. If the new guy she’s sleeping with bails out on her, she can keep you around via ‘sex with the ex’ until she finds something she deems better.

Remember – you and your ex need to communicate about your core issues. This process takes time and effort – not makeup sex. If you get back together too quickly out of loneliness (or horniness), you’ll probably break up again soon – and maybe for good!

Risks of hooking up too late with your ex

Conversely, you don’t want to wait too long to have sex with your ex. If the two of you are working through your issues and you feel a strong momentum towards success, consider letting your walls down, risking getting hurt, and sleeping with her. You don’t want her to get frustrated with the process and give up.

The trick is to ease slowly back into intimacy. For example, you could give her a kiss on the cheek or a hug at the end of coffee dates. She’ll know you’re interested, but not so interested you want to go right back to having sex. By “re-dating” her over time, you’re adding an element of romance (and uncertainty) that was probably missing from your relationship. Be sure to balance your physical progress with your relationship repair progress. This healing and re-commitment time can take many weeks (or even months).

Hold your ground and be strong, but don’t be an iceberg. She could decide you aren’t interested (or want to control her) and move on. Besides, if you wait a long while to have sex with your ex, you run the risk that one or both of you will lose attraction for the other.

Finding the perfect time

Set a new power dynamic with your ex (unless she broke up with you for being too alpha, cheating, etc.) by demonstrating you don’t need her back right away. Enforce a no contact period and go out with your friends.

Going out shows your ex you’re a high dating market value (DMV) guy with options, you aren’t heartbroken without her. Socializing helps you bond with your buddies, get the support you need, and stop moping around the house. If you stay in with your pain, you’re much more likely to indulge in needy behaviors that will chase her further away: texting, leaving voice mails, stalking her on social media, etc.

Hit the bars and coffee houses with your crew. Meet other women and let your ex (or her friends) find pictures of you on social media having a good time and flirting with women. However, don’t send pictures of yourself with cute girls to your ex; this move shows you want your ex to be jealous, which makes you look weak.

Let your ex become aware of your confident, unhurt reaction to the breakup “by accident.” Likewise, take any pics of her on social media with a grain of salt – she’s probably using the techniques I’ve described here to make you jealous. Just because people don’t show their pain to the world doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling it. If the two of you loved each other, you surely miss each other. Don’t mistake the tactic of seeming unhurt to create jealousy for a lack of feeling.

After an appropriate no contact period and demonstrating you’re capable of going out and meeting people, choose non-sexual modes of communication. At first, don’t meet in person – just text her and set up a phone call. Tell her you want to discuss the reasons you broke up and you’ll end the call if she starts drama or expresses an unhealthy amount of sadness. Let her know you accept that she may not be ready to talk and you’ll be available for another call (after a set period of time) when she can hold herself together and talk about the issues at the core of your breakup.

Your ex will probably need you to enforce your new boundaries by (kindly, of course) ending a call or two. Of course, don’t even call her if you feel like breaking down or showing a lot of weakness. Save those emotions for after a long getting-back-together period; dole them out to her very slowly after you recommit.

When you and your ex can talk calmly on the phone, address one issue at a time (pick the little ones first). Resist the urge to express your feelings, even the ones you can keep under control. Show her that communication, not love and sex, is your first priority. By focusing on the aspects of your relationship you and your ex need to fix, you’ll come across as an attractive and very strong person – and increase your chances of getting back together with her in a healthy way.

You may want her back, but you don’t want to replay the past. It’s time to set new boundaries, establish yourself as a powerful person, and get into a new, better relationship – not another version of your old one.

Ultimately, should I have sex with my ex-girlfriend?

Maybe. This crucial decision depends on the outcomes of your “relationship repair” conversations – and a lot more. Ask yourself:

• How long were you together?
• What commitments did you make to each other?
• Did you cohabitate?
• Do you have a family together?

Commitment, Relationship Logistics, and Sex with the Ex

As I said above, you need to get back together with your ex on your terms – and in your own time. You need to show your independence and self-control by prioritizing self-control, but it doesn’t stop there. You need to examine your level of logistical entanglement.

Is it okay to have sex with my ex-girlfriend if we never lived together?

If you’re thinking “I’m having sex with my ex-girlfriend on an on-and-off basis,” be careful. She’s probably not thinking the same thing – and you need to ask.

Sex with your ex-girlfriend can be fun – but not if she thinks you’re getting back together. Be kind and let her go if you’re only playing. Sex with an ex-girlfriend can lead to more drama and regret than it’s worth.

Should I sleep with my ex-girlfriend if we live together?

If you’re having sex with your ex-girlfriend while you’re still cohabitating, did you really break up? Or, did you two just take a little time off to express your frustrations (and maybe hook up quickly with someone else).

Get honest with each other and make a lasting decision. It’s probably time for one of you to move out – unless the two of you plan to do some quick and dramatic work on your relationship.

If you’re typically a “sex with ex-girlfriend” kinda guy after your relationships end, at least do your current ex the favor of getting one of you moved out so as to not send mixed signals.

Is sex with my ex a good idea if we used to live together?

If you’ve moved out and moved on, you need to be sure your ex is one the same page. Is she trying to get you to stay the night? The weekend? Does she hint at your good old times together?

Unless you genuinely want to recommit, let go of the easy sex she’s giving you. It isn’t easy if people get hurt.

Should I have sex with my ex-wife?

The fact you were once married does not have an effect on the answer. Marriage is just a legal contract and it is the emotions and circumstances discussed in this article, that matter. So whether it’s sex with the ex-wife, or sex with the ex-girlfriend, everything you already read on this page applies either way.

Is sex with your ex a good idea if you have kids together?

If you and your ex sleep together after a divorce/breakup, don’t tell the kids. Don’t let them even see you together until you’re sure you want to be together for the long haul. See each other in hotel rooms, if you must, but don’t confuse your children further by letting them think you may (or may not) be re-forming your nuclear family.

Oops, I slept with my ex! Now what?

If you and your ex have already hooked up, you’re probably wondering, “Does this mean I want them back?”

You need to make a decision quickly. If you don’t want to be with her and she thinks your hookup meant more than it did, you’re in for some drama. Spare her the pain and break it off immediately– unless you really want to make it work.

If you’re thinking, “I had sex with my ex, so I know she wants me back,” be careful. Her emotions are in turmoil after your breakup/makeup and the storm isn’t over.

For example, if you indulged in “drunk ex-girlfriend sex,” you need to look out for buyer’s remorse. In the cold (and sober) light of day, she may be much less friendly.

Don’t sit around lonely saying, “But I had sex with my ex – why did we break up again?” Take action immediately to show her you want to attend to all the areas of your relationship – not just the hot and sweaty ones.

Give her the option of working things out with you, but remember – she could just have slept with you out of emotional pain and lingering jealousy. Also, she could just be keeping you around as Plan B (or C, or D…)

Fine – I slept with my ex and I know it’s risky – how do I get her back?

If you genuinely want her back and need to learn how, I wrote a step by step guide here. If not, politely and kindly let her go.

If you’re wondering, “Can sex get your ex back?” the answer is yes and no. Yes, sex strongly influences her emotions and she may want to give it another try. However, she may be asking herself, “I hooked up with my ex – what was I thinking!”

In the first few days following your hookup, wait for her to contact you. If you don’t hear from her after half a week or so, reach out (casually) to her. If she still acts aloof, she probably considers your hookup a mistake – or was using it to make another guy jealous.

In the days you spend waiting for her to contact you, ask yourself, ” I slept with my ex, how many other guys have done the same?” If she’s playing it cool, she’s probably just using you as a backstop. Stop communicating with her, save yourself additional emotional turmoil, and move on to a better match.

However, if she’s willing to talk, you have a chance. It’s a long road, but talking things out, taking time apart, and applying my get your ex-girlfriend back how to steps may solve the issue. Tell her you enjoyed the hookup but don’t want to rush back into your old relationship patterns. Say you want to spend time with her fixing things and making them more solid. You’ll win her respect – and maybe her heart!

I’m currently sleeping with my ex – is this a good idea?

If you’re thinking “I have sex with my ex on a regular basis, so why does it matter?” ask yourself why you’re reading this article. Which of the following statements resonates more strongly with you?

• “I’m sleeping with my ex because I love her despite our troubles.”
• “I had sex with the ex recently, like I always do. It’s just bonus sex that comes after relationships.”

If you’re just enjoying sex with the ex for its own sake, let her walk away. You can get other women – ones who might turn into good long-term partners for you. Go out, stop returning to her well, and enjoy the wealth of options waiting for you in single life.

If you love your ex and want to get back together, don’t settle for sex alone. Get her to fix the relationship with you and start the communication process. If she only wants sex, you have to let her go.

The only way to make things work after a relationship is to get your ex to open up, trust you, and communicate about the reasons things went wrong. You need to create a better relationship than before and create a positive cycle this time. You can do it – just be sure to bravely address everything that needs fixing this time around.

She’s gone. You miss her. You’re asking yourself, “Should I get back with my ex?” But a little voice in your head reminds you that you broke up for a reason. There was trouble in paradise…

Before deciding if you should get your ex back, ask yourself a tougher question:

Why do you want your ex back?

1. Sex?
2. Love?
3. Companionship?
4. Family?
5. Reputation?
6. Shared Interests?
7. Money?
8. Cohabitation?

Knowing the reasons you and your ex got together (and stayed together as long as you did) can help you decide whether or not to try again. If you decide to give it another go, you can use this information to sculpt a strategy for getting back together with your ex.

1. Should you really be getting back with your ex just for sex?

Let’s face it – we guys love having sex “on tap.” Instead of having to go out, be social, and work for it, we can simply stay home with our live-in girlfriends/wives. Even if you don’t live with your girlfriend, you’ll probably find it easier to have sex with her than find a new girlfriend. The trouble is, she knows this.

Putting all your eggs in one basket gives your partner control over the amount of sex you have. In a typical relationship, the woman gives the man just a little more sex than he figures he could get on his own (as a single guy). By getting a good amount of sex on a regular basis, he thinks he’s getting a good deal – and she knows she’s in charge.

Women aren’t evil – they just need to feel safe and in control of their relationships. Pregnant women and new mothers need a lot of support and stability. A woman who thinks her man might leave her for another woman feels vulnerable and betrayed – even if her man hasn’t done anything wrong.

Whether or not you use birth control (and I hope you do), your partner will still act according to her instincts. There isn’t a pill for the emotions that accompany sexual relationships. She’ll give you as much sex as you need to keep from straying – and often no more than that.

All this being said, should you get back with your ex for sex?

No.

If all you want is sex, your best move is to improve your game and find someone hotter than your ex – or someone as hot as her who treats you better. You’ll have to shed your limiting beliefs, some of which your partner may have encouraged in you while you were together. However, acting out of confidence brings far better results than acting out of a scarcity mindset.

In short, going back to your ex for sex because you think you can’t find anyone better is a terrible idea. Even if you don’t say it, this attitude of neediness will come across to her. If you’re lucky, she’ll be unattracted to the new, weaker you and refuse to get back together. If you’re unlucky, she’ll take you back. She’ll feel safe knowing you can’t make it without her and give you less and less sex.

However, there is another option – the transition period. If you really just want sex from your ex, you can get it without restarting your relationship.

Let’s say she’s moved on and found a new boyfriend (women often rebound much faster than men). In the early part of her new relationship, she has high hopes for her new boyfriend but a stronger emotional attachment to her old boyfriend – you.

Your ex will probably reach out to you for sex on the side, especially if you follow the no contact rule. This tactic involves shutting down all communication (and, of course, in-person meetings) for a set period of time (typically 1½ to 2 weeks). If all you want is sex with your ex until you find a new partner, do what women do: overlap an old partner with a new one.

Cheating on a new partner with an old one may sound nefarious, but it’s science. Women have a lot to gain from juggling two (or more) guys. First, she has you as a backup plan if things don’t work out with the new guy. Second, they can avoid getting too attached too soon to the new guy by hooking up with you, increasing her level of power over him. Third, she knows she can trust you. Despite your reasons for breaking up, you were together for a while. She knows what to expect from you in bed, feels comfortable being intimate with you, and knows you aren’t an axe-murderer. In short, you’re a good candidate for late-night hookups.

If you’re looking for sex, up your game and move on – but remember your ex may be willing to hook up with you. If you keep them casual and infrequent, these hookups can last for a good while after your breakup. They can even resume when she breaks up with the next guy.

2. Should you get back with an ex for love?

Love is a big word – it means many things to many people in many contexts. In this case, I’m talking about the strong romantic feelings people enjoy in the early years of a relationship. If you and your ex have broken up during this phase, it can be devastating emotionally – for both of you.

It doesn’t matter who broke up with whom. We humans have evolved to feel terrible when we lose a mate – especially in the first few years of a relationship. As I said above, there’s no pill for the emotional consequences of sexual relationships.

In this case, we feel strong positive and negative emotions toward our partners during the first several years after hooking up – the time it takes for a woman to have a child and teach it to walk. Remember – our emotions evolved in an ancient world of small tribes when survival was tough.

After enough time has passed for their children to keep up with the tribe (and be cared for by older children), people typically lose interest in their partners and seek better mates. Even if a relationship is relatively positive for both partners, their genes will still encourage them (via their emotions) to seek genetic variety.

For example, a man may pass on a genetic defect to his children that doesn’t become apparent for many years. In this case, a woman would have more healthy grandchildren (the gold standard of reproductive strategies) by mating with other men throughout her life.

Love is temporary – but vital to keeping young families together during their vulnerable first few years.

So, you’re probably asking yourself, “Should I get back with my ex-girlfriend for love, even though it’s fleeting?”

Yes and no. This one is complicated.

If you and your ex both have strong feelings for each other, you may want to give it another chance. However, if one of you (probably her, if you’re reading this article) has moved on emotionally 100% for certain, and you know this because it’s been a while since the breakup, then it’s time to cut your losses, dry your eyes, and find someone new. But if the break up only happened in the last few weeks and you feel her mind could be changed by playing your cards right, then it could still be worth a go.

Partners rarely lose their attraction for each other at the same time. Sadly, one person often maintains strong feelings of love while the other’s love fades. No one is right or wrong – it’s just human nature. Most of us will feel the pain of playing both of these roles at some time in our lives: the devastation of losing a love and the guilt at having triggered this emotion in a partner.

If you both still have powerful feelings for each other, then why did you break up? Why did your relationship explode if you had such passion for each other?

Love and hate are very similar emotions. Scientists have shown that these feelings light up the same brain areas (the insula and the putamen). The feelings of love and hate may be intertwined for a variety of reasons, including mate-guarding and jealousy. Surely, you’ve felt the feeling of hating a woman’s actions (like flirting with another guy) while still loving her desperately.

In some cases, men and women have so much passion for each other that they can’t stay together – but can’t stay apart. This concept inspired the phrase, “Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em.”

A female friend of mine said she and her boyfriend benefitted from a year apart to gain maturity and get to know themselves better as individuals. They had dated on and off a few times before taking the time off they needed to make things work. If you (or your ex) are young and relatively inexperienced in relationships, you may find a “break” brings you closer together over the long-term.

If you choose to take this route, create a strategy by examining your (and your ex’s) reasons for giving it another shot – and follow the step-by-step process in this get your girlfriend back guide. Going back to your ex for love can be very rewarding, under the right circumstances.

3. Should you get back with your ex for companionship?

I know, your home (and your bed) can get awfully lonely without your woman. This is a natural part of relationships – and something we all should remember before getting into relationships. The end (whether it’s after a short time or a lifetime) is always hard.

However, remember your emotional pain isn’t personal and it doesn’t mean you’ve lost “the one.” It’s just nature punishing you for not staying with a desirable mate. It can be awfully hard to avoid calling, texting, and expressing your neediness when you miss your ex.

You must be strong. Think back to breakups with previous girlfriends. It hurt, but you got over it – right?

It can feel terrible to see things and people that remind you of someone you love. Perhaps you’re “seeing her everywhere.” Were you sure that girl in the supermarket (with the same figure and hair color) was your ex until she turned around? Have you started crushing on TV/movie actresses who look and act like your ex?

The trick is to accept your weaknesses, but not show them. You’re human – you’re going to feel sad and angry when you lose someone. Take time to grieve, but not in front of your ex, or any of her girlfriends. If you stand any chance of getting back with her, you need to seem unaffected by her not being there. Seeming unaffected by her absence will make her crazy – and may bring her back into your life.

So, is getting back with an ex because you lost her as your best friend a weak move or a strong one?

It’s a bit of both.

In this case, it isn’t about your motivations, it’s about your tactics. Missing someone you love is natural, and a good reason to have a relationship with someone. The trick is to act right – and find out if she misses you, too.

Say you and your ex had a fight and broke up a week ago. This is a good sign. If you broke up without fighting, at least one of you doesn’t feel passionate about the other and your chances of getting back together, at least without expert help, are slim to none.

But you had a fight. The two of you were frustrated with each other because you love each other but don’t like each other. You’re attracted to this woman, you enjoy being with her – but you can’t stand some of her behaviors. You put up with her bullshit (and she puts up with yours) but the pot eventually boils over.

What you need is a break. Not just a no contact style break, but a real break. Temporarily cutting off contact can make her jealous (and confused at your lack of neediness), but it doesn’t give the two of you enough time to grow out of your old behavior patterns.

Restore contact with your ex after a couple weeks of radio silence and let her know you still care for her as a friend (if she wants you back, this will drive her crazier, still). Take the high ground and say you both (don’t start a fight by saying it’s only her that needs to change) need time to mature. Let her know she has a chance of being with you later, but not in the near future. Suggest a time frame of a few months – or even a year.

But don’t keep breaking up and getting back together right away. This makes you look weak and doesn’t solve the root causes of your problems. You need to let her go, give her time to miss you, and eventually you take her back. It can’t be the other way around.

4. Is family a good reason for taking your ex back?

No.

If your parents want you to stay with a particular woman for social reasons, drop her like it’s hot. Be your own man. You deserve the best in life. Have relationships for love – not for obligation.

If you and your partner want to “stay together for the kids,” think this one through from a child’s perspective. Is it really healthy for a child to grow up in a home with parents that secretly want to be somewhere—anywhere—else?

Unhappy couples who cohabitate to raise children ooze unhappiness. Children are very sensitive to their parents’ emotions and absorb this negativity without understanding why.

Many parents today are learning to split up without projecting their drama on their kids. They share child-rearing duties and expenses without subjecting themselves and their kids to an unhappy cohabitation or marriage they should’ve ended long ago.

5. Should you really be getting back together after a break up for your reputation?

No.

If you’ve tied your reputation to your partner, she’s bound to feel it and push your limits. If you attach your ego to your woman (typically because she’s better-looking than you think you should get), this emotional attachment will dramatically weaken you. In fact, she was probably only keeping you around until she could find someone better.

Women despise men who need them, but men who display this behavior do make women feel safe. Your woman probably left because she found another guy who treats her well but doesn’t let her walk all over him. Take more chances, sexually. Make clear you want those things you always wanted in bed but were afraid to ask for. Don’t ask though – say it’s what you want and position yourself to do it. She’ll soon refuse if it’s not okay but it’s all about being UNapologetic about what you want.

I assume you didn’t leave your partner if you felt she was the best you could get. However, you may have left her because of extreme disrespect like lying, cheating, crazy behavior, etc. If this is the case, only a break of many years (or decades) will heal your wounds and return you to a place of strength. Remember the good times, but move on.

However, consider the “transition period” I mentioned above. She will still give you sex from time to time while she’s making sure the new guy is stable. Enjoy these times, and take more risks in bed. This means asking for things you didn’t before – when you were afraid she’d be offended by your kinks. A woman who’s giving you sex as a safety net while she builds a new relationship wants you around (doubly so if you were the one who broke up with her for bad behavior).

If you hook up with your ex, avoid the “should we get back together” talk at all costs. Don’t hook up with her every time she offers – and don’t return all her texts. Keep it simple and stay aloof. If you’ve attached your ego to this attractive woman, you need to be out improving your game. It’s time to prove (to both you and your ex) you can get women that look like her (or better) but who will treat you right too.

6. Is breaking up and getting back together okay if you have many shared interests?

Yes and no.

When you find someone who likes the same music, activities, and sexual activities as you do, you can be tempted to give in too much. If you’re coming from a place of scarcity in a relationship, you can lose this special person. Believing you can’t find another better mate will make your partner want to treat you badly, cheat on you, and look for a stronger man. She can feel your weakness – even if you don’t express it verbally.

If you broke up with your partner because you needed her more than she needed you, you’re sunk. Just like in #5, you’ll need a long time to grow stronger and regain your status in her eyes. It’s better to get out there, improve your ability with women, and start over with another girl – who hasn’t yet decided you’re weak and easily manipulated.

Conversely, you may be able to salvage your relationship if you broke up for the right reasons. If she didn’t want to break up with you or you had a fight, she may be giving you signals she wants to try again. These signals can often be quite obvious, such as seeking you out at your favorite bar and whispering that she wants to take you home for sex.

If your ex offers you sex during a “no contact” period, don’t go home with her. You’ll get twice the action later on if you stay strong now. After you get back in touch with her, hint at a “friends with benefits” relationship and let her work to persuade you back into a relationship. This way she won’t see you as a doormat.

But, this woman is special to you. You want more than just a few hookups while you’re both moving on to new lovers and partners. You’re probably asking yourself, “Since we get along so well, should we get back together?”

If your ex respects you during a “no contact” period, sleeps with you occasionally while you move on to other lovers, and still wants to get back together after a few weeks (or longer), you can consider it. Getting back with an ex is very tricky – you need to make certain she isn’t trying to get things back to the “good old days” when she stepped all over you.

Tell her things need to be different this time – and be specific. If she agrees, let her know you’re willing to give it another go, but only for a set amount of time. Revisit the “should we get back together?” conversation in a week or two – and continue this practice indefinitely. In a culture where 50% (or more) of marriages end in divorce, we all know commitments can be broken.

Instead, make your relationship romantic by renewing your commitment to each other from time to time. Tell your partner you love her and want to stay together, not out of any obligations like children or finances – but out of passion. Set a regular date night for recommitments – and enjoy the surge of attraction your partner feels in bed later that night. It’s like having make-up sex without breaking up first!

7. Is going back to an ex for cohabitation a good idea?

No.

If you’re thinking, “Should I get back with my ex because we live together?” you’re in for big trouble. Sure, you can move out of your buddy’s basement and back into a warm bed, but you’ll only repeat the mistakes of the past. If one of you has lost attraction or respect for the other, a short break won’t do any good.

Move on and suck it up. You may have to pay double rent or live in less-than-ideal circumstances for a while. However, you deserve better – whatever it takes to move on and enjoy better relationships.

Just make sure to meet your obligations. Backing out on rent payments or child support shows everyone around you that you lack integrity. You’ll end up with a worse relationship than before – or none at all.

8. What are you going to do when she wants you back for money?

Guilt plays a big role in breakups, especially if you were the one who initiated the breakup. If you broke up in a mutual fight, you probably feel bad about the things you said. You may be tempted to give her gifts during the transition period while you’re both moving on to new partners. She may even try to make you feel guilty for leaving her in a bad financial situation.

Without question, you should meet your legal financial obligations – as I stated in #7. You should also give your partner time to find a new place to live (without continuing to live together, of course.) However, don’t feel like you have to keep paying your half of the rent for very long – she has a network of friends and can find a roommate pretty quickly (perhaps even another person who needs a place to stay after a breakup).

If your partner depends on you for more than just your half of the rent (if you’re claiming her on your taxes, for example), you’re in for big trouble. Relationships like this involve tricky power balances and often end in breakups and divorce. As a guy, you’re probably supporting a woman because of her youth and looks, leaving you vulnerable to the ego traps I describe in #5. If you’re thinking of getting back with an ex because she can’t make it without you, don’t. Yes, you should have avoided this situation in the first place, but repeating this mistake won’t improve things.

Tell that little voice that says, “should I take my ex back?” to wise up, enjoy a little sex with your ex-girlfriend if you can avoid getting back together, and move on to better prospects. You deserve a woman who looks good and can meet her financial obligations without help from a man. Remember – this type of relationship is just a step away from prostitution. Go out there and get a hottie who actually likes you for you!

What you need to know about getting back together with an ex

So, you’ve probably identified one (or a few) reasons why you want to get back together with your ex-girlfriend/wife. However, you’re likely still wondering, “Should I get back with an ex?”
I shared the above list of 8 common reasons to reconnect with an ex so you could escape your emotions for a little while and think rationally. Using your mind when your body is full of conflicting emotions is one of life’s greatest challenges. Congratulate yourself for simply reading this far and making an effort to figure out what went wrong.

Remember – you want to do things different the next time (if there is a next time).

If you’ve read the list above and identified with the healthy reasons to try again with your ex (love, companionship, shared interests), you can answer the “Should I get back with an ex” question with a careful “maybe.”

Your reasons for getting back together matter, but you also need to examine how you broke up. This boils down to 5 possible outcomes:

1. She broke up with you, but still feels attracted to you.

If your ex left you but wants you back, she either found out that the new guy she was seeing behind your back wasn’t as good as he seemed, or she’s learned to see you in a new light. She isn’t too blatant about it, but she’s texting occasionally and reminding you of how good things were before. She isn’t offering sex or flirting, but she’s reminding you of the lovey-dovey times you had together.

Women who leave their men and then come back want to re-enter the relationship on a stronger footing than they left it. Your ex has likely hooked up with another guy (or guys) who didn’t give her the stability she expected. (Some guys will say anything to sleep with a woman and then change their tune.)

She’s contacting you now to see how needy you are. If she can’t get that “better” guy (better in her eyes for now at least), she’ll settle for you – as long as you give her more power this time. This means doing the things she wants to do, having sex only when she’s in the mood, and probably giving her more control over your “mutual” finances.

Be extremely careful about getting back with your ex in a situation like this. Not only will she treat you poorly – she’ll probably cheat on you with that attractive guy who doesn’t want to play the role you’re playing.

Think long and hard about moving on and cutting off contact for good.

2. She broke up with you and has lost her attraction for you.

If you’re asking, “Should we get back together” when you know your ex isn’t attracted to you, you need to work on becoming a more attractive man before going back to her. You may be thinking it’s a good idea to stay together for family, cohabitation, or financial reasons – but none of these justify the years of unhappiness that await if the attraction can’t be rebuilt.

Find ways to take care of your family without living in the same place too. Move in with a friend (or a family member) and get back on your feet. Focus on your career, get a promotion or a new job, and support yourself without a partner to lean on.

Leave her behind, for a while at least, and start to build a better life that you can just continue with if it doesn’t work out with her.

3. You broke up with her, but still feel attraction for her.

If you’re asking, “Should I get back together with my ex” after you broke up with a woman for behavior reasons (not sex, right), be careful. She was treating you poorly out of disrespect. She thought you were weak and would put up with whatever she dished out.

She was wrong. At a certain point, you decided enough was enough and gave her the boot. Now, you miss her and want her back. Make your decision to give it another shot based on this vital question:

Have you changed enough for her to see you in a different light?

Change means time. Ask yourself some more basic questions: Did you enforce a strict “no contact” period? Did you take enough time to get yourself together after getting back in touch with her? Did you assert yourself properly when she tested you by returning to her old behavior?

If you can honestly say you’ve changed, ask a friend to cosign your decision. It’s easy to lie to yourself, but your buddies know what you went through with this girl, whether she’s right for you, and if she’s demonstrating enough respect for you to justify getting back together with her.

Invite her out for a drink with you and your friends. She’ll jump at the chance to rejoin the gang and you and the guys can secretly observe her behavior. If she wants things to go back to the (bad) way they were, you’ll know. Likewise, if she truly wants to be with you and treat you right this time, her attitude change will shine through.

Be careful, but give her a chance.

4. You broke up with her and have lost your attraction for her.

If you don’t want to be with this woman, why do you want to get back together? For the kids? To avoid a costly divorce? For companionship?

Some couples accept their loss of attraction and continue on as business partners, parents, etc. Consider House of Cards’ Francis and Claire Underwood (and the real-life power couples on whom they were based).

However, the danger of such a relationship is that you still care for each other to some degree. Think back to your previous exes – and even one-night stands. Surely, you still have a small bit of feeling for them – it’s only natural. We care for everyone in our lives, even if we’ve left them behind.

In an open relationship, jealousy often rears its ugly head. Even if you and your ex don’t feel sexually attracted to each other, you still want attention. You still want loyalty. You still want love.

Stay together with your ex without sex only if you’re sure neither of you won’t get jealous. Remember – you can still be business partners after severing your marital ties. If you aren’t married, remember you can still be friends and partners in childrearing after moving on with your lives.

5. You broke up in a mutual fight (if you had the passion to fight, you’re still attracted to each other).

If you’re thinking, “Should I get back with my ex-girlfriend after that big fight we had?” you’re in luck. This category has the best chances for success and happiness.

“Should I go back to my ex?” doesn’t mean weakness if you both had the passion to fight it out. Follow the instructions in this article (and this guide) by enforcing a “no contact” period, enjoying “sex with the ex” without getting back together, and giving yourself time and space to grow up.

Growing up and maturing means dating and having sex with other people. Stay in touch with her and even sleep with her sometimes – but don’t get back together too soon. The best way to get back together with your ex is to rise up and become a better man. Improve your career and your social life. Make her work to get you back.

Go out, even if you’re sad. Especially if you’re sad. Live it up with your buddies. Meet other women. Let her see your Facebook and Instagram feeds full of the fun you – not the sad you. Let her and her friends discover pictures of you having a good time with other guys (and gals) instead of moping around.

It takes a lot of courage, but you can project the unaffected, confident image you need to get your ex back, keep her once you have her, and make sure you get what you deserve the next time around!